Still Here

Hey everyone.  I didn't forget about the blog, again.  I'm still playing catch up from vacation and have been exhausted, but FEAR NOT, for I am back in the mix.  There is sooooo much to tell about the week we had out west and I wish I could do it in such a way that you could experience everything as we did.  My limited space on this site wont even allow me to post the video slide show I made, but since its free I can't really complain.  So here I sit, eating some horrid tasting frozen dinner, replaying the trip in my head trying to think of the special things that stuck out.

Well for starters we spent a grand total of 79 hours in the car, traveling almost 5,000 miles and passing through about 10 states.  Spent $650 on gas between 2 people and killed about a million-million and a half bugs with the front end of my car.  And some of those bastards were big; every once in a while it was like my windshield was shot with a paintball gun.  These things would explode into all sorts of colors and pieces would trail up the windshield until they flew off the car.  My car packed on about 10 pounds of insect guts over the trip. Enough about bugs, lets get to the fun stuff.

DAY 1
Other than the quick entry I did on my tablet prior to this one Day 1 was full of driving, getting gas, sleeping for twenty minute intervals, more driving, eating greasy shit food, using disgusting rat infested bathrooms, coffee, and we listened to the Howard Stern show for most of the trip because laughing our asses off helped keep us awake driving through about a thousand miles of straight roads and fields, and fields, and fucking fields.  Once we got past Chicago and the Amish flash mob, that's what we go to look at until we crossed into Colorado.

Colorado is two hours behind us here in New York, and we pulled into Denver at 11:30 Mountain time (1:30 Eastern time for any one too lazy to do math).  We had driven the first length straight and we left at 5:00 Friday night and arriving 11:30 Saturday night, all math included we drove for about 32 hours.  So we looked and felt like shit.  We pull into the hotel that we called ahead and reserved when we got to the end of Nebraska and first thing I see is some skinny little shit in khaki shorts and a windbreaker screaming at the desk lady because he wanted to park in front and a car took up 2 spaces and he paid and blah blah blah.  He was gonna call the cops, because that's what cops want to deal with; some screaming entitled little whiny shit who's mad he had to park behind the hotel instead of in front.  Fuck that guy.  The woman said she'll take care of it and he stomped out into the parking lot, in the words of Rose Dewitt Bukater from Titanic, "wait for an absolution that would never come."  Because that clerk looked at me, I said "Asshole", she laughed and checked me in with a smile.  We parked our car and walked our bags in from the back of the hotel, where there were plenty of spaces, past the whiney bitchy creep kid still standing with his arms folded near the car parked in two spots.  I hope he found some justice...or got his ass kicked by someone.

We were both shot from the drive and not sleeping, so of course we changed and found the nearest bar and walked there.  It was the first of many breweries we would experience that week.  Being on no sleep and at such a high elevation we didn't figure that the two beers and two shots we would have would fuck us up so quick...but it did.  We ended up making our way back to the hotel after about an hour at the bar of talking to people and finding out what to do in Denver.  We got some good tips and places to check out and slept like fucking rocks.  The adventure was taking some serious form, and it finally hit us we were in Colorado!

   Just crossed the border into Colorado and filled up.  Notice the bugs the size of bats.

Captains Blog. Stardate VAYCAY 1

There's something about driving through Ohio at 4am blasting "Back Dat Ass Up" fueled by caffeine and a desperate urge too pee that makes me feel like we're finally on vacation.   Not only are we a far west as we've ever been but I just had the weirdest experience at a truck stop, and no it didn't involve a glory hole.

I was taking my much anticipated leak when an Amish man comes in to piss as well, decked out in his straw hat, blue shirt and brown vest and pants, sporting a beard and looking like he was ready to start a day in the life an Amish, whatever that met be.  The wired part was by the time I was done with my leak every bathroom stall and urinal was filled with  Amish people and Amish dudes waiting to use the bathroom.  This is a truck stop bathroom so there's probably thirty stations to relieve yourself and is huge but all of the sudden I found myself in the middle of an Amish rave at ten after four in the morning at a pit stop off I80.  Then I walked out and all their wives and daughters were walking around the rest stop looking like lost sheep.  Oh and they all smelled weird, can't really put my finger on what life though.

Then we walked back out to the car and couldn't figure out where the hell they came from.  No buggys, no farms in site. It was life the children of the corn, they just walked in off the fields and we probably escaped with our lives.

OK that's all for now, typing on my tablet is annoying so I might wait until I get to a computer.   On with the quest!

VACATION...Like The Movie, But For Real!

This is it, today is the day my good friend and I embark on a journey into the semi-unknown.  I'm so goddamn excited, except I feel like I'm coming down with something so I've been eating Airborne tablets at about 5 times the recommended dose per day.  I think I'm either keeping it at bay or have somehow managed to get high off Vitamin C; whatever the case, in a few hours I'm getting in my Jeep with my buddy Gary and hitting the road for the next day or so.

Again we have no plans, just a time frame of when we gotta be back to resume the rat race, and we think this is the best way to do it.  If anyone reading this knows one or both of us, people tend to take a liking to us.  I don't know why, maybe it's our personalities, maybe we come off as ultra sexy, maybe its our "fuck it, lets do it" attitude, but one thing is for sure, we have a penchant for meeting people and getting into things and every time we do something its ALWAYS and adventure.  We also tend to attract a lot of weird or borderline insane people, so we agreed if we hear banjos in the woods at any point in our trip we are high tailing it the fuck out of wherever we are.  That being said, any post on here within the next week (if I can get to a computer, if not no worries I'm bringing a journal so I don't forget anything and you all will get a full debriefing upon return) will be details of our grand adventure.

When I think about this trip I think about one of my favorite movie franchises of all time, the National Lampoons Vacation series.  I laughed my ass off watching and re-watching every single movie (admittedly not so much Vegas Vacation) and I fancy myself an amateur Clark Griswald, in fact this is going to be my mantra for the trip:

Barring any Marty Moose type bullshit or dying aunts (and I would totally strap her ass to the roof) this trip is indeed A QUEST FOR FUN.  I need this vacation more now than ever with the things going on in my life at the moment and even if its a semi-disaster like all their vacations were in the movies, it'll still be awesome.  Going on this trip with a cant lose attitude is only assuring that the quest will be successful.

I'm still trying to pack and finish up at work so I have to cut this short.  But I will leave you with a quote from the ultimate road trip movie, a quote I feel hits home and stresses the point of both morality of the human spirit, and a will to make the most out of any situation.  Enjoy, and talk to you peeps soon.

A Jeep, A Beard, and An Idea

One of the big issues (that I'm willing to discuss on here) this year for me was my car accident. I was driving to work on Valentines Day during a blizzard when Mother Nature, the dried up old bag that she is, decided to give me my present.  With the unwavering help of one of the competent state workers, she dumped about 100 pounds of slush off an overpass onto the parkway in which I was traveling, on a turn, 20 feet in front of me, with a car passing me on the left.  The lack of friction on the road allowed my tiny little Civic to fulfill its life long dream of being in Circ de Sole (spelling?) despite my best efforts for it not to.  Using the slush as a launching pad I was sent flying into the median then back across the parkway as my car attempted to do a cartwheel in mid air.  Thankfully the exit sign caught my trunk and stopped me from flipping off the highway into the woods; instead it threw the car back down into the road on its front end before tilting back and landing on its wheels, finally coming to its graceful stop facing oncoming traffic in a two lane parkway.  After a few minutes of fielding questions from my audience of teary eyed witnesses who thought I was going to die in front of them, I scooped up the biggest pieces of my car, threw them in my trunk (which was conveniently thrown open for me) and actually managed to get my car off the parkway and two more blocks to work before it died on me.  Yes, I was two blocks away on a 40 minute commute.

Long story short I got it fixed but the insurance screwed me and even though they said "she was good as new" I think "she drives like she's got Parkinson's Disease" was more accurate.  But perfect excuse to get a new car.  In comes my new Jeep Cherokee.  I love this car like I had birthed it myself.  It's my first new car and although I'm paying out the ass for it, it's gonna get me through any more bullshit Mother Nature has up her sleeve, and more importantly it's gonna get me to Colorado.

The title of this post is a little misleading, and for this I apologize.  It leads you, the reader, and if you are seeing impaired or illiterate than you, the listener, to believe that there were in fact three main points to this post; being a beard, Jeep, and an idea.  Well the fact is there is only two, and aside from my Jeep story the other part is that I had an idea to grow a beard hence the two being one in the same.  Now that that has been cleared up, I got this idea because about a month ago because I was feeling particularly crappy about a situation and had a case of the fuck-its when shaving came up   Also about one third of my face missed the puberty memo so a five o'clock shadow takes about a four days to form and has more gaps than a hillbilly's smile.  But when the fuck-its are involved, you aren't really thinking that you look like a homeless man-child, and when anyone asked me I just responded with "I'm trying to grow a beard."  Truth is I was trying just to not do much of anything.

One thing lead to another and when I finally felt like the itching was too much, even for the fuck-its, I went to shave and actually looked in the mirror for more than two seconds.  To my amazement my facial hair was getting long enough that it actually covered my patches and I went from looking like a homeless man-child to just a run of the mill homeless man!  I was quite impressed with my faces ability to overcome its own shortcomings by sheer will; it was like each individual hair knew what direction to grow in in order get some real teamwork going on.  YAY TEAM!  So my shave session turned into a trim session where I got rid of all those rebel hairs that were too cool to get with the program.  It was something I had never done before, I felt very manly and I wanted to make sure you all knew about it; and now you do.

Thus the idea to continue to grow my beard was born and I know you're all glad you read this and are rooting for me to grow the best beard in the goddamn world, and I will.  If all the things I learned from somewhere are correct then manly things will help my beard be even better, and what better way to man it up then by going on a road trip with a tent and no plans other than to not die.  By the time I get back I might be donating beard hair to cloth orphans in Brazil.  Damn I'm pumped for this shit.  OK that's it for now, I'm gonna go eat a rare steak and and hold open a door for some ladies BECAUSE REAL MEN KNOW CHIVALRY AND SHIT.  I can feel my face tingling already, chivalry is like miracle grow for beards.  You hear that fellas?

Oh Yeah I Have A Blog...

Hey everyone, I'm sure you're all relieved to know I'm not dead, just inconsistent with keeping up this blog I suppose.  Well I'm back...for now.  I'd like to tell you all I've been busy exploring the world, or finding myself, maybe even working undercover for a top secret agency; but that's not the case.  I've just been working my ass off and having one of the most stressful years of the 27 I've been walking this planet.  Sparing all the gory details, lets just say I find myself in a position to reconnect with some things I lost touch with since the start of the year and a weeks paid vacation coming my way I think I earned ten fold.

So I am not here to bitch and moan, because what has complaining ever got anyone.  I actually figured I would cover my upcoming adventure (more on that in a bit) in my own special way on here and hopefully entertain some of you people with my musings as well.

I called this blog "Sarcasms and Silver Linings" because my intention was to write both funny and inspirational posts as well as use this as a platform to do one of the things I love, which is write (duh).  Up until now, it has been mainly sarcasm with a small touch of silver lining.  With this entry I would like to up the ante on the latter.

As I said earlier, this year has been one mother and a half, yet I'm still standing.  I'm slowly but surely screwing my head back on straight and getting things done that I've put off for a while (including this blog).  The way I see it, when push comes to shove you can do two things.  You can sit and wallow in self pity or loathing, obsess about things that are out of your control and make it worse on yourself by being miserable, and thereby attracting other miserable people (misery loving company and all). Ooooor, you can accept what is at the moment and get the fuck up and do something that doesn't involve any of that pity party bullshit.  Self improve, self improve, self improve.  In any way you think or want.  Feel better about yourself and everything, in turn, will be better.  I'm not trying to be some Tony Robbins knock off (I mean feel free to make donations if my words of wisdom are helping) but seriously, do something that makes you feel good, get out of the mindset of the world coming to an end and smile, even if you have to force it, you'll feel better, trust me.

Attitude is everything.  It's a cliche phrase, honestly I'm actually sick of hearing it and can't believe I'm saying it, but hey, the shit is true.  Part of my screwing my head on straight has been a large part attitude and a large part determination to not feel like crap.  I've been walking at night on the local bike trail and eating a lot better (lost some weight, bringing sexy back).  I bought a guitar last year, its been a dust collector since then, so I picked it up last week and have been playing every night a little.  And you know what?  I fucking suck at it but I like doing it so I'm gonna keep doing it.  Every once in a while I convince myself that I played a chord from a Nirvana song and since no ones there to dispute that fact, that's exactly what I did.  I've also been reading some books I had lying around, getting in touch with old friends, throwing out old clothes; all these little things add up to big relief and a better overall outlook in any situation.  But now for the coup de grace on my stressful year: THE ADVENTURE!

I will briefly describe this adventure now, as I plan on writing extensively about it in the near future.  I, as some of you may know, am from the state of New York.  This Friday after work, my best bud and I will be embarking on a journey to the state of Colorado...FOR A WEEK!  This is not a normal vacation, we are not planning shit.  We know when were leaving and when we have to be back, everything in between is a toss up, hence the adventure.  Why, do you ask?  Did Louis and Clark have Sacagawea check out the hotels on the other side of the country before their trek: NO.  Did Megellan watch the weather channel before he sailed across the ocean: NO.  Did Neil Armstrong land on the goddamn Moon with an itinerary of all the cool local sites: NO...er, well maybe he had some idea because of telescopes, but you see where I'm going with this.  We're packing some clothes and toiletries and arming ourselves with a tent and our mega awesomeness and driving through the night into the great unknown (at least to us).

This may very well lead to something bigger down the road but as for now I just want to document what happens on this trip.  There will be pictures and stories and lots of fun stuff, I'm sure of it because my friend and I always seem to find our way into and out of interesting situations.

I apologize for the disjointedness of this post as I'm writing this with a mix of excitement and trying to bounce back after everything that's been this year so far.  I'll try and be more organized in future posts (and yes there will be future posts this time, I promise).  I would like to end this post with a quote from a song by the New Age artist Enya.  A quote in which I feel encompasses the theme of getting through the tough times and back on your feet.  I'm quoting from memory so forgive any mistakes.  I believe it goes:

"Who can say where the road goes/ something something/ only fucking time so stop crying and get off your ass and make a difference in your life because no ones gonna do it for you so make the time count"

Thank you, and goodnight...