The Village Idiot

There's a bit of an issue in my house that arose early yesterday morning.  Around 7:30 - 8:00 am, my mother was getting ready for work when my dog started going ape shit at something out the window on the side of our house.  Being that she's a dog, and my ma wasn't fully dressed yet, she didn't address the issue right away.  After a few minutes my dog, Pepper, was still whining and barking at whatever it was.  Deer usually scatter, the occasional squirrel sits there and taunts her ever once in a while, but she seemed a little more agitated than normal.  So my ma finally goes to check, see's what she is barking at, grabs her phone, and snaps this picture:

EXHIBIT A:

What you see here, clear as day, is the neighborhood asshole in all his glory.  This classy fellow, thinking no one was home (at least I assume he thought that, but I may be giving undue credit) since all our cars were at work and my ma's was in the garage, decided to walk his dog into the middle of our, and our neighbors lawn; this picture was taken as he was on his way out but as you can see he's still a good 20 feet in.  And the kicker: HE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE NEAR US.  No people, this isn't your usual case of neighborly dog poop wars, this asshole lives at the bottom of the street, many houses away, yet he somehow finds the will power to waddle his fat ass up our huge hill with his yippy, ratty, little bitch (see what I did there) and allow it to shit and piss all over our lawn, our neighbor's to the left and right of us lawns, and our neighbor across the streets lawn.  Not to mention the house across the street from theirs is on the market and he uses it like a puppy Port-o-Potty.  What a dick, right?  Well, as I'm sure you can imagine, this is far from the first incident or only problem with our friend in the picture, and also far from the oddest.

Picture this.  One night around eleven, I leave my girlfriends house to head back home.  I pull onto my street, like I usually do, undo my seat belt on the home stretch, like I usually do, and go to pull into my driveway into my usual spot, like I usually do, except, not like usual, there is a weird man in sweat pants with his gut hanging out of his T-shirt standing in front of my mailbox, smoking a cigarette, and staring at my house.  Allow me to stress again, this is NOT usual, nor remotely neighborly.  I live on a street that has no street lamps, so its dark, especially on a cloudy night, at eleven.  A time when most normal people aren't having stakeouts in plain site in their pajamas.  Imagine my surprise when I almost hit this fucking nut job as he stared blankly at my house like, well like this:

EXHIBIT B:

To top it all off I park and get out and he doesn't even move.  Just stands there.  I assumed he was drunk, high, or found an extra chromosome at some point that day.  Now I have to say something.  Great.

"Hey, what's up. You need somethin'?"
"Nope.  Nice night, huh?"
"Yup, I'm gonna go inside now..." I left off "...and pump my BB gun fifty times and aim it at your creepy ass."
By the time I got in and informed everyone of our night watchman, he had already gone.  Either home, or to go creep the hell out of some other poor neighbor.  This is what we have to look forward to, our neighborhood entertainment; at this point I can't tell if the genre is comedy or horror.  My sister has had similar experiences, as have my ma and her fiance and other people on the block.  Not to mention the fact that this guy parks his work van on the street, the wrong way, two fucking feet from the curb.  This is the type of person we live near.  Not someone you want to see on your lawn first thing in the morning.

Don't worry though.  Since the photo evidence it has been brought to the attention of the police (not that they will do anything about it until something happens, of course) and the photo has been blasted on Facebook and brought to the attention of all our neighbors, rather comically I must say.  It's easy to laugh at if you think about it.  A middle aged, husky dude, walking a mini dog on his neighbors lawn gets caught red handed and ridiculed on the internet by those who live around him and even those who don't.  I'm laughing as I write this to be honest, and it will continue to be funny...that is until its just him that shows up on our lawn in the morning and takes his morning dump in our flower pot.  Then I might start to worry.