Road Warrior

I live in New York, not the city, but just outside of it.  My morning commute at the moment consists of getting on the road at around 6 am and driving approximately 40 miles south of me to my job.  Like anyone's morning commute I imagine everyone gets frustrated by traffic, people that drive like goddamn fucking morons, and anything that lengthens or detours your routine trip to work.  Well, there are three things that I find particularly enraging during my morning travels, two of which are probably mutually aggravating to most of you, but one that only a specific group can subscribe to.  Since today I pretty much had to deal with all three, and I don't think any of them heard the insults being hurled at them from the automobile I was traveling in, I will use my allotted internet space to vent.  Here we go.

HEADACHE 1:

Don' let their smiles fool you, they're only happy because they know they're fucking up your drive...the sadists!

I'm sure this is not a secret to anyone.  There are few things in life that make me want to punch a baby more than stopping and going for what seems like ages at any point in a drive, let alone when you're trying to get somewhere on time.  Hell it even annoyed me when I had to take the bus every day.  And since kids these days are becoming progressively more lazy...or stupid...or whatever, there are more stops per trip.  Allow me to explain.  When I was of bus taking age, the bus would make five stops in my neighborhood: the bottom of the hill, the top my hill, the middle of the street that connects my road to the top of the mountain I live on, and the two cul-de-sacs at either end of the last street, that was it.  Rain or shine, snow or fucking hail, our asses would be huddled in groups of all the neighborhood kids waiting to get picked up.  Now days the bus stops at every single fucking house, and if the kid isn't outside waiting, the driver patiently waits for them to come out.  If I wasn't ready and waiting for my bus, that thing was there and gone and I spent the morning getting yelled at and smacked and dropped off at school whenever I got there.  But that's besides the point, the issue here now is that since bulk pickup is slowly being abolished, every time you get stuck behind a school bus, along with getting a face full of exhaust every time the driver hits the gas, you are guaranteed to be stuck behind it longer than ever... in history (a bit over dramatic?)  

HEADACHE 2:

Don't get me wrong.  I love the rain and fog and snow.  It always has and always will put me in a good mood for some reason.  What I dislike about it is that if there is the slightest bit of moisture in the air, or even the threat of it, the road seems to turn into amateur hour and everyone drives like they're navigating an oil slick, constantly testing their brakes to make sure they won't slide off the road into oblivion.  But that's just one of two extremes.  The other is everyone who owns an SUV thinks that ice and massive puddles are mere cannon fodder for their "tank".  These people are bigger douches than the overly cautious drivers.  Where the overly cautious driver may pose the minor threat of a fender bender when they are driving Miss Daisy at 2 mph and slam the breaks like they just hit the edge of a cliff, the over rambunctious SUV driver will be the one doing 80 in the fast lane, hitting a puddle, and hydroplaning into oncoming traffic, all wheel drive or not.  

In my area, when it rains heavily, the Taconic Parkway tends to flood in the two outside lanes, leaving the middle lane the only safe one to really travel in at a decent speed.  Unless of course you're above that because you have to climb into your drivers seat with a step ladder.  During any one of the said heavy rains we experience during a year, one could drive on the Taconic (if they didn't close it) and see numerous cars flipped over on either side of the parkway.  Now combine these two extremes with rush hour traffic and you will have a clear picture of headache numero dose.

HEADACHE 3:

This is the annoyance only a certain group of people have to endure (that being anyone close enough to the state to be blessed with their company): the Connecticut driver.  Whatever the road condition, time of day, traffic, or anything, the Connecticut driver is the only thing guaranteed to cause you grief on the road.  Driving in a constant state of confusion, this person of Connecticutian origin simply does not know what the mother fuck is going on when they are behind the wheel.  I don't know what the standard for passing your road test is in that state, but driving the same speed as the car next to you in a two lane road for 50 miles must not only be acceptable, but a requirement since this seems to be one of the favorite things to do.  You'll never see one speeding, because they all drive at least five under the speed limit; always.  Properly switching lanes or merging onto the highway next to one seems to turn into a game of keep up.  This is because getting around them must be some sort of personal insult since they refuse to let you do it.  It's really hard to explain the things they do and why they do them; just trying to makes my brain hurt, so hopefully you understand because I need to stop before I have a seizure.  Please heed my warning: if you ever find yourself near one of these license plates on the road, save yourself the aggravation, pull off the road and take the long way to wherever you're going; you'll probably get there faster and have your sanity intact.