Save the Internet, Save the World; Antisocial Media and Other Fun Things

Hi, my name is Steve and I am a critical thinker.

If you’ve ever been to any of the varieties of Anon meetings or seen them on TV, then the above line might seem familiar. I have a problem; not your average problem by far, but a serious one: I like to use my brain (you might get a different answer from my girlfriend but that’s another piece all together).

I like to think about things, I like to read things and research stuff, and I thoroughly enjoy a heated debate (as long as the other person has a willingness to listen and approach objectively as possible, not scream “I’m right, you’re wrong, *climbs pedestal* conversation over!”). That being said I feel like people like myself are too few and far between.

NOW HOLD ON!! I can see some of you salivating, waiting for this to turn into a political diatribe that will paint you a picture of why I’m a friend or an enemy, fingers stretched and ready to praise me or rip me apart in the comments. Well, OK, this is going to be very political, but if you are (and I mean really, really are) like myself, then you will enjoy, nay, understand, the following words. If not, and you are one of those people who have meltdowns over Facebook posts, save yourself the aggravation and go back to only reading things that you agree with, or trolling people who you don’t.

SOOOOoooooo, here we go…

HEY! Wanna know why everyone is such a prick when it comes to politics these days? SOCIAL MEDIA THAT’S WHY! Any platform where Joe and Jane Blow can gear up to fight all the injustice in the world with their caps lock on and “unwavering moral code” is the problem, and there are too damn many platforms (soapboxes?) for that. This is why there is so much contrived hardship when it comes to anything remotely political, because people revolve their lives around their feeds, their “go-to sites” for a majority of the hate and hope in their existence. I mean hell, even the national news networks pull Buzzfeed articles and celebrity twitter posts and pass them off as legit before researching them! Admittedly, I’m no journalist, but I did take an introductory class in college, and the first thing we learned (literally, this was written on the board under the full course name) is RESEARCH; and when CNN posts anything that’s source is from an unknown who’s online handle was “HanAssholeSolo” (yes, that’s where it came from, that was the username the “news” glossed over, can’t make this up) you have to, as a person with half a brain (hopefully, maybe?) come to the conclusion on your own that SOMETHIN’ AIN’T RIGHT!

Before we continue, I just want to throw this one thing out there. You’re going to see me bash the “news” a bunch. This is in no way because our spray tanning Commander-in-Chief has been beating the “fake news” horse to death since his campaign trail. This is a belief I’ve harbored for as far back as I can remember. I grew up outside of NYC and every day I would see The New York Post and The Daily News posting the exact same article, sometimes with the exact same picture, with two very opposite viewpoints; and it still goes on today. I would watch people pick up the paper that’s headline they aligned with, and that was now their version of events. The fact that every news paper doesn’t have the same factual content and that they use specific words and cherry pick certain things to include and/or leave out in order to fit their personal view doesn’t make for news, but glorified opinion pieces. This goes for all news outlets. As the infamous Hunter S. Thompson said: 

“As far as I’m concerned, it’s a damned shame that a field as potentially dynamic and vital as journalism should be overrun with dullards, bums, and hacks, hag-ridden with myopia, apathy, and complacence, and generally stuck in a bog of stagnant mediocrity.” 

Even Mr. Thompson saw it decades ago! The cable news is a little more uniformed because they mostly tend to lean to the left (except FOX of course, which is the whipping boy for the other networks because of that choice). So that’s my reasoning; this isn’t new, this isn’t made up to make this article work, this isn’t my ode to President Trump, it’s the result of my own thinking and conclusions that I based off personal observation. Alrighty, back to the meat and potatoes…

Every single protest, convention, show, famous moron shooting their mouth off because for some reason, the ability to entertain is synonymous with higher thought, or anything at all; is dictated by some sort of social media precursor. Even the President is doing it! Regardless of your thoughts on the guy, he’s using social media, specifically Twitter in case you live under a rock, several times a day to simultaneously enrage and placate the country. As much as I try to ignore the fact that Twitter exists because I think it’s completely stupid, I still know what fucking Tweeters tweeted and twoted and twa….SHUTCHO MOUTH; SHAFT! (sorry, couldn’t help myself). But do you see? I don’t use Twitter for ANYTHING (the only reason I have an account is because an ex made one for me however long ago to enter a contest) and I know about the tweets in detail, that’s the power social media has to reach beyond it’s own realm. The psychosis of social media is causing the country to eat itself from the inside out. It’s not the government (although they love to take full advantage, as we all see) or who is in office, it’s all those who live for the bullshit that is destroying whats left of common sense and decency in the world, i.e. those who live for and/or on social media.

And NO, it’s not media in general (although ALL news today is mostly anything but truth) because media in general is even being duped. I mean, honestly, the above mentioned CNN bit is proof of that. A once reputable, I’ll say it again ONCE REPUTABLE, news station ran with a Buzzfeed article that someone in the studio probably had on one of their social media “news feeds”. Really think about that: A world news organization took an article from BUZZFEED (you know the site, “10 reasons your lover wants you to shave your back”, “how to save the world by driving backwards and speaking Latin”, “funny things kittens said”….no offense Buzzfeed, I love ya), sold it as news and did ZERO research; and that is far from an honest mistake, that’s blatant stupidity. Honestly, think about that… If you found out one of your child’s high school teachers was basing their lessons out of a textbook that they found in a toy box in the kindergarten classroom written in crayon, as opposed to, oh say, the library, would you ever take them seriously? I hope the answer is no. And furthermore, if that is the kind of digging and research they do, what else have they slipped in there that actually passed off as truth? Social media’s bullshit has gotten so out of hand that it’s being passed off as legitimate news. That’s fucking insane!

Social media, hands down, is the biggest reason why everybody is such an asshole today, the reason there’s so much animosity, so much stupidity. Why is this? Welllllll this is because everybody can be, and wants to be, heard but no one wants to actually listen. When hiding behind a screen and an avatar it’s easy to “change” world one letter at a time; this is cliched but it’s the truth. That truth is made even worse by the fact that there are very few people that can maintain the consistency of their social media profiles in real life. Also a huge reason for this is no one can be told to shut the fuck up in person as soon as they’re being a goddamn idiot. People lack a sense of humility that comes when acting like an asshole in public these days because now they can go online and find a group of like minded assholes to act like assholes with because they’re ASSHOLES; plus, if you don’t agree with the groups of assholes you are labeled as one of the things they hate. So your either an asshole oooorrrrrr a bigot, pussy, sexist, racist, stoner, redneck, something-phobic, uneducated, America hater, evil, cry baby, Hitler, snowflake or any other of the plethora of things that are being forged daily in the name of “I’m right, you’re wrong because you disagree with me”.

All this is the biggest reason no one takes anything seriously; why all the crying and bitching on both sides is for naught and only giving fuel to the people who are actually in power to push the machine forward and consume our lives while we bicker amongst ourselves to no avail. What is going to get accomplished by getting a bunch of angry jerks together to go annoy a bunch of other angry jerks just because they don’t identify with each others plight (so obviously they’re wrong duhhhhhhhh). Are both groups wrong? Are both right? Am I able to objectively hear both arguments and make a decision after or do I go in with my head down and just wait for my turn to repeat what I heard on one of my news feeds? And most importantly if I don’t agree with the other side, can I still at least be comfortable that they have their own viewpoints? You know, one of the big reasons we broke away from the Mother Country; because we couldn’t do that back then or the Redcoats would come knockin’. These are the questions that need to be asked of yourself before anyone goes ape-shit about something, because getting all riled up and acting like an angry child only lessens the chance of someone with different viewpoints or opposing viewpoints listening to you, let alone taking you seriously. It’s like people are legitimately confused that everyone doesn’t agree with them, like were all one big hive mind and those not part of their particular empathy club are the ones that are broken.

Fredrick Nietzsche, one of the most brilliant philosophical minds ever, talked vehemently about “the herd” morality and how it’s destroying the world. Basically it’s defined as a morality in which people with the inborn ability to rise above the average sideshow are pressured into becoming a complacent member of “a smaller, almost ridiculous type, a herd animal, something eager to please, sickly, and mediocre.” (Beyond Good and Evil); and this is what is going on today, only being helped along by social media. Social media is the “grouping ground” and people flock toward each other at full speed when they see something to attack or praise, it’s hard not to notice. I’m going to use an example of this that was a point of contention for me on Facebook a while back. Get your hater hats ready! And to those who are still reading that believe they are right in everything they do and know, this next bit is just for you.

So some of you may know that I have a twisted sense of humor and so do all of my closest friends. I try to surround myself with people who can laugh about anything, even if it challenges their belief systems; and I conduct my Facebook page as such. I posted a meme I thought was funny for my friends, knowing some people wouldn’t like it, but, in truth, I really don’t give a shit what people think of my posts, delete me and solve your problems like an adult person. Anyway, it was about the Women’s March back in January of 2017. I don’t know much about it other than women’s rights are at stake because Trump is President and glass ceilings and wage gaps and if you are a woman you need to be on board or else you’re…well, wrong (this is based on what I’ve gathered from a bunch of my social media friends…”research”). One thing led to another and it went from sharing laughs (mostly among female friends who got a kick out of it, by the way) to a political shouting match and up to almost a week later, there were still people (some of which weren’t even friends of mine on Facebook, but not missing an opportunity to “right a wrong” chimed in anyway) posting their 2 cents and patting themselves on the back for it. I’ll be the first to say the meme could be considered “tasteless” (yet in my world that translates to “fucking hysterical”…so sue me), but the direction it went in a split second was crazy.

I didn’t say this on the post because I knew it would only make it worse but my take on the march is as follows: Whatever your reasons for having it (I only say whatever because I’ve heard so many different answers)it was drowned out by the absurdity. Ashley Judd screaming about period blood to a bunch of people wearing vagina hats (some even topless) is not the way to get a point across…because it looks ridiculous. That’s why it’s hard to take seriously, it’s completely belligerent. Who’s mind are they trying to change by doing that? I guess Harvey Weinstein missed the memo, even though there was enough Hollywood “elites” involved (where’s the March planned against his twisted ass, by the way?). I watched clips, not because I was interested in the plight, but because it was a fucking train wreck and I wanted to see it, like internet rubbernecking. Sure no one got arrested or broke anything, which is always the goal and it’s great, but other than not breaking the law and other peoples things, what did they really do other than give the other side more ammo? Really, what? What came of it, I am genuinely asking, and not to be a dick, I really want to know what was accomplished or thought to be accomplished; and “awareness” isn’t a sufficient answer, it’s a cop-out and I feel like most people’s version of awareness is “look at meeeeeee”.

I don’t think I need to explain why “The March” was so hard to take seriously, but here it is anyway: It’s because the group of people whose minds they’re trying to change sit back in bewilderment and think of how ridiculous they all look and sound with your vagina hat and your breasts out screaming about menstruating. If a group of people came up to you on the street, naked and/or dressed like they came from some LSD laden Mardi Gras costume party, screaming about anything, whether you agreed or not, would you actually sit there and ponder the finer points of their argument? If the answer is yes, than the March must have been the deepest most introspective event since Gandhi ate a pound of shrooms (read about that on Facebook…”research”). But if you’re like most people that prefer conversation over ornery screaming and megaphone chants you may be able to agree that they took the wrong approach to make a point.

The worst part is not all of them, I’ll even say not most of the people at the march, were part of the, what I’ll call, “New Age Feminist Burning Man on Crack”, but any good the rest of the people in the march did was overshadowed by the sideshow that was all over the news and feeds because that’s what gets hits on social media. Put it this way, when the Westborough Baptist Church can have a more uniformed and clear protest than you, and they are the absolute scum of the Earth, you might need to rethink your plan of action; I mean c’mon they don’t even have to stop traffic, they just stand on the side of the road with their hate and their despicable, crazy shit and get pelted with eggs and bottles. It’s sad that our God given right to protest is being muddled by our God given right to be morons. Where did meaningful marches go?

Want to know why the civil rights marches in the 60’s worked, because they had an actual, visceral, tangible problem that everyone involved both knew and agreed upon. Not saying we don’t have those today, but now racism is used as the reason for something bad happening as often as it can be whether or not it’s remotely related to the actual reason, which utterly undercuts the times when it’s the root issue. Back in the 60’s, the urgency to combat racism was underlined by the fact that the problem was acknowledged by everyone (even the racist ones that didn’t think it was a problem) because it really existed (Jim Crow ring a bell?). Now days, this is best described as an example: A few weeks back I heard a woman call a guy a “racist blind bastard” because he beeped at her for crossing the street when the “DON’T WALK” sign was clearly and brightly lit. See what I’m saying? Today, racism is being concocted because claiming it (specifically when it isn’t the case) gets you attention, it gets you sympathy, it gets you things. Anything can be racist now. The barista gave you too hot a cup of coffee…RACISM! Yeah, I’m being facetious but there are cases like this every day. It’s making the real issue of racism be ignored and it’s anger misplaced.

The whole statue thing (that has apparently lost all steam as of late)is an example of that. Someone saw a remnant from history that may symbolize something to them that doesn’t to others that went unnoticed for decades, but now it’s racist because no one knows what actual racism is anymore. The statues weren’t erected as a tribute to slavery and slave owners, and to think that shows you don’t think that much. It’s like people expect world history to be in-line with today’s bullshit because in their fantasy land it’s possible somehow. In the 60’s racism was hard and real and it caused huge problems in America. It was an issue that needed to be addressed in our country, and it was done the right way: with intelligent discourse and sensible, peaceful protests. The people then didn’t just make up and selectively pick statistics to fit their ideals and throw it in people’s faces, or dress up like imbeciles and run around screaming with their private parts flailing in the wind. And it wasn’t all sent into overdrive because they loved or hated the president. But now I wouldn’t be surprised if labeling something“racist” isn’t used more than it was decades ago when racism was commonplace. Honestly, now all it takes to lump you in with one group or the other is to hear who you voted for, because that makes sense. I guess it’s easier to assume something and join in than ask questions and investigate. Which brings me to another brilliant quote from Nietzsche:

“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to tell them to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.” (The Dawn)

Even though this directly deals with youth, it goes for everyone. When perusing Facebook (sorry I keep using Facebook, it’s literally the only social app I mess with regularly), you can pick any politically themed post and, if you’re observant enough, can pretty much quote what people are going to say in the comments before you even read them. The inability to free think starts with the youth in schools like U.C. Berkeley, where you are rewarded with praise for identifying with the majority and verbally, sometimes physically, assaulted for not (looking at you ANTIFA, you are the parody of a free rights group and domestic terrorists and do nothing to help either side, go back to the holes you crawled out of, please…and invest in some shampoo, you all look like you need some shampoo). This was explicitly seen when they cancelled conservative speakers visiting campus in lieu of the violence (both verbal and physical) that was supported by a number of faculty and staff against the speakers and those who wanted to listen; it was only addressed when Ben Shapiro pushed back after having his speech cancelled for “safety reasons”. 

Mr. Shapiro is one of my favorite people (Mr. Shapiro, if you are reading this, let’s grab a beer; on me) and even though I don’t agree with everything he says, I love hearing him talk and he is also one of the biggest proponents of free speech and equality going. He is also a Jewish man who was the number one recipient of antisemitic journalistic attacks a few years back, as revealed by the ADL (Anti-Defamation League). Why is this relevant? Because those outside protesting him were doing it on grounds that he was a white supremacist and a Nazi (you know the people who really hate Jews, just to name one of the many things they hate). If anyone outside had actually taken the time to find out about Shapiro before running to the craft store for poster board and markers they may have saved themselves some time, energy and money. (This incident alone is enough for ten more pieces so I’ll leave it here for now, but anyone interested should check it out, it’s quite the story). Why didn’t they? Mr. Nietzsche told us in that above quote. It’s the “group think is greater than free think” argument and the impressionable youth are the easiest targets because they just want to be accepted. Very few people at that young of an age have the desire to want to be isolated from the group because of an idea that isn’t status quo, so they gather all the info they need from their social feeds and “friends” and adjust accordingly, we’ve all been there to some degree, some just stay too long.

We need to promote free thought and subsequently, free speech, we just have to. Unless your idea is punching babies and killing puppies for fun, who gives a shit if what you think isn’t on par with everyone else. It’s naive to think that as many people as is portrayed think exactly the same, and I mean actually think that. From watching and listening to social media and the news itself, it’s perceived that there are only two sides to the state of the union, WHEN THERE ARE LITERALLY UNLIMITED SIDES. Solutions can only be come to by talking, not fighting and pointing the finger and refusing to listen to the other sides; and I mean sincerely listen, not wait for your turn to comment. As I said earlier about myself and my Facebook page, I conduct it how I conduct myself, and if I think something is funny I’ll share it and I have lost friends over it; oh I’m sorry were talking about Facebook, I meant “friends”. I’ve been chastised by everyone from family to “friends” of “friends” (as pointed out earlier) just because they can’t see past their own ego long enough to think I might not actually be suckling the same teat that they are chugging from.

I’ve been accused of and berated for voting Rep and Dem by those too ignorant to ask and just assume, that because I like to think for myself and ruffle feathers of the sheep on both sides, that I’m a bastard from the left/right. I believe both sides have their solutions to problems that could work (as well as the other sides no one hears about), but by no means does one hold all the answers. So who did I vote for? Neither, I cast my vote for Johnson (he was on the ballot, look it up if you don’t believe me), I don’t play the lesser of two evils game. Both candidates were so awful I wouldn’t have been able to sleep knowing I was responsible for whoever won. (Bernie with his never ending bag of other peoples money and his election promises that were probably written in glitter pen on the back of a Sizzler kids menu wouldn’t have been an option for me if he made it anyway, which he should have over Hillary, but hey that’s just my and a lot of other peoples opinion). I will say this, I thought the Reps were being babies when Obama won in 08, but until witnessing the utter disgusting, hateful shit that that came from the Dems (who want to stop hate…by being hateful — have yet to see this strategy work) is nauseating. And can someone tell Hillary she’s not running anymore? Please? She really isn’t helping anyone but herself and her own interests (which is par for the course for her, I guess).

Every chance she gets she’s back in the spotlight, running her mouth on TV and social media, blaming everyone and everything except her shitty attitude, demeanor and past deeds for the reason she didn’t win. She wrote a book about it for Christ’s sake. Hey, lady, you lost to Donald Trump, not for any other reason than the fact that you are such a terrible person that you couldn’t swindle a win out of the Presidential Campaign. You were such a bad candidate that I think it would be safe to say that you lost the election more than Trump won it, if that makes any sense. Say it, Donald Trump beat you, the least qualified, most over zealous person that ever ran for President of the USA beat you without question or need of a recount; not because of racism (Obama won with overwhelming numbers the first time if anyone remembers( Electoral college: 365–173) and the second time ( 332–206) so unless he turned people racist during his terms, that argument holds no water), or sexism but because you belittled everyone who wasn’t on your side (deplorable’s ring a bell?), blamed Russia (yeah, I know this is about how social media is ruining the world but I’m still waiting on any proof that a Russian ad campaign on Facebook blew the doors off an election), and I could go on for pages with just bullet points but at the risk of giving her more attention I wont. I’ll just step away from her antics with an example of why I think she lost.

The following are three tweets, each a minute apart, after the Vegas shooting:

Hillary Clinton‏Verified account @HillaryClinton Oct 2

Las Vegas, we are grieving with you — the victims, those who lost loved ones, the responders, & all affected by this cold-blooded massacre.

7:02 AM — 2 Oct 2017

The crowd fled at the sound of gunshots. Imagine the deaths if the shooter had a silencer, which the NRA wants to make easier to get.

7:03 AM — 2 Oct 2017

Our grief isn’t enough. We can and must put politics aside, stand up to the NRA, and work together to try to stop this from happening again.

7:04 AM — 2 Oct 2017

Before I give Mrs. Clinton the ol’ one two, I want you all to know that she was not the only person doing this, I know that. My gripe with her is the fact that she’s trying to make it seem like she lost the election because we’re all bad people, not because she’s a bad person, so she asserts herself and her asinine bullshit every single chance she gets; like a spiteful ex. Here we see her using the massacre to once again stir the pot, like she’s going to get a call from Trump to take his spot.

So she starts with the usual prescription post of thoughts and prayers, fine, ok can’t really get on her for that because we we’re all feeling this way. OK Mrs. Clinton, I can stand with you on this one.

Then, a minute later, like a melodramatic Tourette’s outburst, places blame on the NRA and tries to scare people onto her side with *gasp* silencers. First, the NRA isn’t holding any office or a direct part of the government, they’re literally an interest group. Yes, they’re a pretty damn huge one, yet so are the Boy Scouts and Yankee fan’s (from the late 90's), but since they don’t revolve around guns, they’re OK…for now at least. Their influence is there, as is any interest group, but because their interest is the hot issue, they’re branded the enemy. Furthermore, silencers do not make a weapon silent, this isn’t a 007 movie, it’s real life, Mrs. Clinton. Silencers, especially on assault weapons, are there to lessen the sound, not silence it. Use Google and look it up, I’m not going to waste much time explaining it here, but, to be quick, the sound is caused by the hot gas rapidly expelling itself from the chamber through the muzzle, the silencer just gives the air more places to go instead of one, which lessens the sound, it’s like going from screaming to talking loudly. On to the third tweet, yet another minute later.

In her dramatic conclusion to the tweets she begins playing on the heightened emotions of the country and blaming the NRA once again, and suggesting “putting politics aside” as if her tweets (I hate using that word while trying to be serious…tweets…ugh) were anything but politics. Look, no matter what you think of the NRA, they aren’t arming citizens and telling them to shoot people, they aren’t even writing legislation, they’re AN INTEREST GROUP and if they have any influence at all it’s only because they’re so vast and varied. They are just a scapegoat for weak minded people to point the finger at every time something bad happens with a gun because having civil discourse just doesn’t happen anymore. Someone needs to be responsible right away.

What Clinton did is deplorable (see what I did there, hehe). She couldn’t even wait a day, AN HOUR, to climb up on her pedestal and start firing shots, it’s like she’s addicted to being a jerk. What she did was weak, she played on the anger and fear of the moment just to hear herself speak and get everyone fired up, she couldn’t even wait for the dust to clear; at the time she wrote that, the whole terrible event was less than 12 hours old and no one knew anything about it, well, except for her apparently. What Hillary did was show that she’s incapable of getting a point across without using some sort of emotional sidecar; then she doesn’t even exploit the issue correctly! On top of the fact that she used zero tact by not even waiting for the smoke to clear before spouting off, you know, like The Donald (but it’s OK if she does it, praiseworthy even).

Yeah, gun control is a HUGE issue, and needs to be talked about; but with constructive words not blame and accusations. However, talking about it 10 minutes after a mass shooting is like trying to settle a divorce 10 minutes after you caught your spouse cheating. Is there really a rational conversation to be had that close to it happening, or can anything good come out of the conversation by riding the coat tails of a mass murder? And we have been talking about it, for as long as I can remember, just not constructively; so I don’t get the sentiment that anyone is “afraid” to talk about it today; are people legitimately scared to talk? Actually, I stand corrected, we haven’t been talking about it, we’ve been talking at each other. We need to compromise, not have one way get total say, or it will never work. It’s like the whole country is part of some bad movie; which is even more upsetting because now it’s hard to find a movie that isn’t some poorly veiled political message. Why, Hollywood, why…?

Unfortunately, Hollywood is full of the biggest hateful crybabies so 90% of everything from that world is biased and revolving around their views and no one can get away from it. I don’t know when it happened but we are going through this weird type of reverse McCarthyism. For those of you unfamiliar, McCarthyism was “the practice of making accusations of subversion or treason without proper regard for evidence” (nabbed this from Wikipedia). This was a Cold War practice where if you didn’t like someone for any reason you could claim they were a Communist and they would be dragged over the coals and shamed and vetted. Of course more often than not it ended up not being true, but looks like we’re doing it again. Now it’s the people with more money than God who pump out shitty movie after shitty movie who are pointing fingers. Or the “news media” pulling internet opinion pieces and passing them off as breaking news that have somehow gained the power to accuse, when the reality is they refuse or lack the mental fortitude to get facts straight. But because people listen they get away with it. Anyone ever play Lemmings?

To sum this whole thing up I don’t want or need to be dramatic, I’m just asking, and not for me but for yourselves, to put a little extra effort into the thought department, don’t get so bent out of shape when someone thinks one way is better than another. Calm down and read and absorb information, maybe actually read an article you might not agree with instead of blasting off in the comments because the headline disrupted your mental homeostasis. I’m not asking you to change your mind, just open it and I mean actually open it; you never know what you can learn or what will change a thought process you had by learning something you might not have known, and wouldn’t have known by discounting it’s source because the person who wrote the piece isn’t the political alignment, ethnicity, age or sex that you think qualifies knowledge of a subject. There are a lot of smart people out there of all colors and creeds who know a lot about a lot of things, I promise. Please, turn off the social media for a single day and try all of this, for the good of the world, because this is the only way we will overcome any issues, by being observant and open minded. As one of my favorite comedians said: “Democrats are idiots. Republicans are idiots. Anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issue, is a fucking fool. Be a person. No normal, decent person is one thing. Listen first then form an opinion.” — Chris Rock

Amen, Mr. Rock. Amen…

GIVE ME FOOTBALL OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!

I am a New York Football Giants Fan.

As I write this I'm shaking from all the booze and greasy shit food I consumed yesterday slowly working its way out of my system, as I have most Mondays since football season started.

For those of you who understand, and are reading this in the same state I'm writing it, I know you feel my pain and appreciate the struggle.  For those of you who do not, who spent yesterday in Church or being productive human beings, I want to explain Sunday Funday to you, through the eyes of a die hard football fan.

The first day of football season is equivalent to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the birth of your first born child, what have you, to us fans.  It's a glorious, magical day when you don your favorite jersey and resume rituals that have laid dormant since that bitter, sad, last day of football in January (or February depending on how far your team made it...remember I'm a Giants fan, I'm used to the January pity party).  It's a game of inches, a game of pride, a game of screaming at the TV like a fucking lunatic for both the good and the bad.  For every person or group of people its different.  So here's what Sunday Funday is for myself and my football family, as we call ourselves.

For at least 16 weeks out of every year we try and take it easy on Saturday nights in order to fully enjoy our Sundays.  For years we've all been gathering at the same place, South Side Inn in our town (although recently renamed The Mahopac Inn, it's still the same home away from home on Sundays and will always be South Side to us, deal with it). One or two of us will get there early and procure our section, move together a handful of tables, and wait patiently for the family to trickle in.  Our family is a diverse group, made up of men and women, fans from all over the league, and every gathering is worth it's weight in liquid gold.  The bar knows us, they know what to expect, they know we will be the loudest, most disruptive, and most fun group of assholes in jerseys at the bar on Sunday.  About halfway into the first quarter almost everyone is there and the insanity begins.

From the first kickoff to the end of the last game the bar air is filled with a chorus of four letter words and screaming, high fives and clapping, the clinking of glasses, slamming of tables, an occasional chair gets tossed (Rachel, I'm looking at you on this one), friendly and not so friendly shit talking, and the blaring commentary of the announcers; it's the unmistakable mating call of the football fan.  Every game we go hard, we milk every minute for as much as we can.  We average a pitcher a quarter, if the Giants are doing well, we'll take a shot or two, if they are doing shitty, a shot or two, if the game is over, a shot or two, because reasons, a shot or two.  The wing and shrimp cocktail specials soak up the alcohol along with pretzels, burgers, the newly added, and fucking delicious, buffalo calamari. Keep your gourmet food and your organic bullshit, on Sunday Funday it's all about the loading up on as many calories and fried food as we can handle before heading home.

Our family is a good one, and a welcoming one.  Even if your an awful Cowboys fan, we will allow you sit with us, or maybe the better word is tolerate.  Also, I finally found a girlfriend who can hang and get into the psychosis that is our family's gathering, which she got to see in full swing yesterday. Instead of running out screaming, she joined in on the fuckery, it warmed my blue blooded little heart.  That being said there have been a plethora of significant others from everyone who make an appearance once and only once, some people just cant handle the awesomeness, and that's their loss.  I guess I can't really blame them, like I said it does get pretty crazy more often than not and it takes a special type of person to appreciate it. For example: the year we beat the 49er's and got into the Superbowl (where we beat the empire of evil, The Patriots, for the SECOND time) I jumped up, fists in the air in celebration and punched a running ceiling fan, spraying the bar with pieces of wood and dust that has probably been there since they opened.  Thankfully everyone was too happy to care and thought it was hilarious.  It hurt like a bitch but fuck it, that was an EPIC win, the victory shots numbed pain.  They completely removed it after that, one less fan moving around the smells of beer breath and wings, oh well;  RIP ceiling fan.

It's not just about football though, and what a lot of anti-sports fans fail to see is that its a reason to get together with a bunch of fun and awesome people for a few hours each week and enjoy each others company.  We call ourselves a family because deep down it really feels that way.  I'm talking years, people, years we've gathered to watch these games.  Sure some have come and gone, I was even absent for almost an entire season because other obligations; and I felt guilty every Sunday, like I missed my weekly visit to see my illegitimate child to let him know I'm here for him as I slipped him a twenty so he liked me better than his mom.  But seriously, it's part of who I am, it gives me something to look forward to every week, something to talk about, a place to go, a reason to get together with friends, and win or lose, we always have a blast.  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  South Side really is my home away from home on Sundays.  The only game we watch elsewhere is the Superbowl, where we all gather at my buddy Greg's house and watch the game and go completely fucking ape shit.  There's catering, beer, liquor and huge TV, and a goddamn awesome time.  We literally move the bar to his house for just that one game, a big part of our family tradition. A perfect way to wrap up the football season.  But, even though we move the party for a night, somehow we always end up stopping by South Side at the end of the game.  Whether half of us remember it or not we do it; for one last drink in our family's favorite retreat, one last hoorah, before we close the curtains on another season, and anxiously anticipate September, to start the fuckery all over again.

OK I think I'm going to cry just thinking about it...

GO GIANTS!!!

Dr. Cellular or : How I Learned to Stop Socializing and Love the Internets

I hope someone got the reference in the title, anyway...

This isn't going to be the first time this has been said and it will be far from the last: CELL PHONES ARE MAKING US USELESS AS PEOPLE.  We're all guilty...shamelessly, hopelessly guilty.  We're glued to our phones like our lives depend on them, when (guess what) they don't.  We walk around in a daze, cant hold a conversation without a phantom vibration that pulls us away, and God forbid I don't show everyone this salad I'm about to stuff my face with. The list of con's is just as long, if not longer, than the pro's, and every day people get more and more wrapped up in them.  A new app that does the same thing as 3 others on your phone, but slightly differently.  A new game where you have to match shit together and harass your friends for extra lives because you cant wait ten minutes.  Hell, I've been writing for ten minutes and checked my pone three goddamn times; I'm no angel either.  It's crazy to think about how such a valuable tool is used, more often than not, for mindless bullshit, bragging, and frivolous updating.  So since everyone knows the benefits of having a cellular device of some kind and constantly being wired into the world, lets go over the negatives that, although just as obvious, are often overlooked; probably because you got some sort of notification that pulled you away from the epiphany you were about to have.

Allow me to guide you on your path to enlightenment.  I wont point out the irony if you're reading this on your phone.  Well anymore than I just did...

PHONES RUINED MOVIES

Not just the movie viewing experience, but the art of films in general.  But lets just start with the obvious.  

If you use your phone for anything once the lights dim in a movie theater you are a piece of shit. That is me putting it nicely.  Very nicely.  It goes without saying that you shouldn't be talking to the people around you in a movie, so why the hell does it make it OK to talk to people who aren't even in the same room as you.  I've seen, almost every time I go to escape reality for a few hours and catch a flick, some stupid ass either talking, texting, or recording the movie.  So instead of escaping reality I just get reminded that everyone is an asshole, and they surround me always.  It baffles me every single time the balls it takes to answer a call during a show; or not really balls but lack of respect for those around you and even the for the sad sack that does it.  How does the person on the phone lack self respect you ask?  Well, unless you have a desire for strangers to think of ways to punch your phone through your head and stare you down like demon spawn when the lights come back up, there really is no benefit to answering.

Then there's texting/Facebooking/whateverthefucking.  Your super huge, almost a laptop, HD phone screen coming on in the movie theater is the equivalent of your mother ripping the blinds open whilst you slumber at noon because you have to mow the lawn, even though you were out late and its hot and your hungover and...see, it even brings back bad memories.  Your texting is bullshit, why do you need to text during a movie?  I'm sure the whole movie experience, from having the idea up until five minutes into opening credits has been documented on multiple social media accounts already.

Twitter: anyone wanna see a movie #bored #movie #nofilter #funsies #[some cause you support]
(because you need to hash tag it in case any random strangers have nothing to do)

Facebook: heading to the movies, my life is wonderful, everyone look

(because that's what Facebook is these days; that and advertisements)

Snapchat: [let me tell everyone I'm buying popcorn for five seconds]

(because unless your sending a nudie, what's the point)

Instagram: [let me post a picture of a dark theater so I never forget this moment and either does anyone else]

(because...reasons)

I know I'm forgetting things but you get the picture.  Why can't you just call a friend or two, grab your significant other, or go solo (some people think that's depressing but its really quite relaxing) and go see a movie instead of broadcasting it like its a visit from the Pope.  But I digress.  So now you've alerted the world to your presence, it only makes sense that your phone needs to be glued to your hand in case someone likes a post or texts you about something.

Now I could tell you stories about many the times I had to say things to people, but I wont because it just aggravates me.  There is a good one where I looked a 13 or 14 year old kid dead in the eyes (this was after 2 polite warnings to stop taking pictures with the flash on in the middle of the movie...yes that happened) and told him that if I even see his phone again I'm going to break it in half feed it to him; but that's a story for another piece.

So lets talk about how phones ruined the art of  movies.  It's making them less believable.  Imagine Friday the 13th took place in the real world.  How many teenagers would be anywhere without their phones plastered to their hand.  There would be no chance for Mr. Voorhees to clean house without being blasted on social media, or having the cops show up.  Basically what I'm saying is that with the answers to almost every question in the palm of your hand, its hard to imagine situations in most films that can't be solved by Google.  Sure this doesn't go for period movies and certain other films, but for the most part it does.  There's the argument that it forces movie makers to be more creative, which is true, but it kinda takes the fun out of the urgency that some movies offer, at least to me; but maybe I'm just being bitchy.  Oh well, on to the next point.

PHONES RUINED RELATIONSHIPS

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing like getting an "I love you" text out of nowhere, or being able to call your significant other to express your yearning for their nether regions while you should be working, but we all know what the drawbacks are.

First off the phone is equivalent to the Necronomicon.  Full of demons and evil, past, present and future missteps.  It holds onto things you'd prefer to let go of.  It's a tool of temptation in the palm of your hand and an access to the realm of possibilities which may make a relationship, to some, seem like a road block instead of a building block.  I'm part of the generation who saw the explosion of cell phones.  You know you've seen the picture of a house phone online with the text that says something like: "kids these days will never know the fear of calling your crush and having their parents answer".  Lemme tell ya, the fear was real, and it went like that with me up until college where everyone had a cell.  In the time before phones, getting in touch with people was broken down into 3 categories:

1) I see you, you see me, lets plan something and meet there.  Hopefully everyone shows up on time because cell phones haven't been invented yet.

2) [calls house] "Hi Mr./Mrs. so-and-so, is my crush there?"..."Who's this, what are your intentions/plans, where will you be...?" [craps pants] "I...I just wanna hang out."

3) "OH HEEEEEEY! what are you doing here, lets get lunch at a specific date and time, put it in our WRITTEN day planners...and again hope we both show up and don't forget.

That was pretty much it.  Getting together on a wing and a prayer.  You actually had to meet people back then, I know, seems crazy, right?  Then when you got together you had to entertain each other.  You had to talk and find out about each other organically, with words.  Stalking out their lives and forming opinions wasn't an option, you had to put in work.  Work increases value, value makes things last and gives you an appreciation for the person you chose to invest in.  Now it's too easy to see other options and sticking with one person, even if they're great, can seem like you're holding yourself back.  Plus relationships have become kind of a spectacle, which makes them lack in substance.  Social media is full of "I love my significant other, they're the best, I'm so lucky, blah, blah, blah..." often times right up until the breakup.  There exists a sort of competition of bragging and outdoing each other for some people.  Like they think their relationship is only as good as people perceive it on social media.  I don't get it, I really don't.

Now, there's an arsenal of possibilities on every social app.  From people you ran into and became "friends" with at some point in time to a slew of apps that you post your best picture from 10 years ago and catfish some poor, unsuspecting person into hanging out with you until they cant take it anymore. Aside from social apps, there's every dude/chick you've ever given your number to who can drunk text you and harass you at all hours of the night because nothing says "I respect you" and romance like a late night attempted booty call.  Again we go back to the lack of self respect and respect for others that cell phones instigate.  Up until freshman year in college I'd never gotten a such a text.  Not that my first "hey wanna watch a movie and have some sex" text wasn't the greatest thing ever (because I had (have?) a questionable moral fiber...and yes we actually had to rent hard copies of DVD's from a store to do that.  Old school "Netflix and chill.").  But now I'm older, sick of the games, and want to just be with someone who can separate herself from that.

Almost half the dates I've been on when single has revolved around a phone, and it's been the deal breaker.  I don't even wait to see what medication they're on anymore, if the phone comes out to take a picture of your dinner, check [insert social app], or to take a phone call or text (unless it's from a dying relative) then I write you off on the spot.  Sound harsh? Tough shit!  If you can't disassociate from your phone for a few hours it speaks volumes about how things will go down the road.  I'm trying to become a master of the red flags, and that one is pretty accurate, and it is pretty sad.  Not to mention the modern day phone is a Pandora's Box of secrets and potential problems that almost always come to fruition in a relationship. I've been on both sides of that situation and they both suck. And lets not forget the wonderful ability to torture yourself by checking on old lovers in the middle of the night as you cry into your pillow, oh the fun.  But its not just romantic relationships that take a hit, its every kind.

PHONES RUINED HAVING FRIENDS

When was the last time you sat around with your friends or family and most people didn't have their phone within reach.  The common thing is to place it on the table somewhere near you in case you get bored with the people you're with and wanna see what the people you aren't with are doing, because in no way is that rude at all.  No, nothing is rude about about that...if you're a prick.

Think about the message that sends, and again I'm guilty of this too.  Having your phone out like some vague threat that you better be entertained or out comes Instagram.  Or answering a text mid conversation with people: "Hold on, Ima let you finish, but so-and-so just sent me the most important text in the world."  Yeah, I said it, using your phone for other things when you're with other people is like turning into Kanye West, the biggest douche of all.  Kinda makes ya think, no?  Not everyone does this though.  I have one group of friends who always make everyone put their phones in a pile and no one touches them, which is great and those are honestly the most fun get togethers.  Then there's the friends who are constantly on their phones.  Judging from their social app status you'd think these people were the most fun in the world.  In reality they spend more time talking about what they're "doing" than actually doing it.  Or they're making plans to do something else, so that when they get there they can tell everyone what they did, and start planning the next event.

Phones are killing peoples ability to have friends that don't exist virtually.  I have friends who can talk your ear off on text and can't make a complete sentence in person.  Plus there's that telephone tough guy syndrome.  It's easy to say whatever when you're not staring the person in the face.  Fortunately for phones, now you can be as macho as you want with little to no consequence (unless you run into the person, of course).  But that's what its about these days, image.  You can tailor your image to however you want when hidden behind a device, why wouldn't you take advantage, it's not like you'd ever have to back it up since you never have to actually go anywhere to be anywhere, if that makes any sense.  However there are times when your image can bite you in the ass, which is why...

PHONES AND SOCIAL MEDIA RUINED JOBS

If you're reading this on your phone at work, 'nough said.  Or if you ever had to hide any social media to get a job, or if your social media cost you a job, or if you're significantly less productive when you have a phone on you, or...you get the picture.  At my job I'm partially responsible for hiring, and it is second nature to go online and research a Facebook profile before hiring someone.  So unless their profiles or whatever are specifically tailored to say "I'm the one for you", which they almost...no, I'll say never are, then it can only hurt you depending on who's looking at it.  Thankfully, in my case, I'd rather hire fun people who know how to work and have fun, and it's worked out most of the time.  But then you have the sticklers who see a drink in your hand and throw out your resume.  There is the lack of ability to not judge a book by its cover, but its hard when there's so much on said cover to not form some sort of an idea.

Lets use myself as an example.  Based on what I post on my Facebook, one would think I'm a drunken fool with a twisted sense of humor.  My Instagram and Twitter get used rarely and randomly for dumb things so it's really not a fair assessment.  However, based off my old Tinder profile when I was single, I was a gentleman, funny, completely and utterly sexy (this was most true to form, obviously), but I don't think employers check Tinder.  Hell, if you read my blog or most of my writing you might think I'm insane, a huge asshole, or a genius.  In all honesty I don't give a shit what people think of me, and if they want to pass me by on a job because of my online presence then their missing out, but it does happen; and very often.

Can you blame employers though?  Since a lot of people are lazy, unproductive shits looking for handouts these days, business owners are looking for every possible avenue to see who exactly they're hiring.  Yet again, a lot of people are anything but honest when it comes to their social media accounts, so is checking on them in that way productive or counter-productive? Either way it's now part of the job process and probably will be forever.  Especially since it's illegal to give a bad reference of a former employee, you really can't even get an accurate telling of their past work experience from former employers.  We've let people go for stealing, never showing up, any plethora of things that you cannot and should not do on a job, yet when their new potential employer calls to see what they were like we have to sugar coat their shitty work ethic, and that's not right, but that's how it is.  There are little ways around it though, and here's an example:

New Employer: "Hi this is Bossman calling to check a reference on Lazy McTimethief."

Me: "Oh.  Yeah, he worked here."

New Employer: "How was he while working for you?"

Me: "Well, he worked here for three months."

New Employer: "Gothca, thank you, have a good one."

See? Nothing bad said, in fact nothing was really said at all.  The lack of positive things said now has to be the unspoken way of saying "Good luck with that one."  In fact, the more I think about it, I've gotten a lot less reference calls since social media exploded.  Good thing?  Bad thing?  Guess it differs from person to person.  Now onto the coup de gras...

PHONES ARE RUINING MOTOR SKILLS

Yeah, phones are even causing us to devolve into mush piles with limbs.  You know when you're talking to someone and they look at their phone and completely miss everything you said.  Then they look up with that brain dead stare as they try and recall any key words that they might have heard so that they can give you some semblance of a response, but only end up letting out a strained "...huh...".  I detest that.  Like flies to a bug zapper, the brain shuts off and the shiny thing encompasses all.  I'm going to come up with an app that zaps the shit out of you if it detects someone talking and your phone goes on, then I'll secretly install it on everyone's phone I know and watch the hilarity.  Seriously though, when people do that to me and look up its like the lights are on and no ones home, and I wait for the string of drool to fall out of their mouth and just hang there and laugh at me for trying to communicate like a human.  

Then there's the "walkers".  No not the ones from The Walking Dead, but close.  These are the ones who put on their headphones and stare at their phones and go on walks without any of their senses tuned in to what the hell is going on around them.  They're the morons who you see video's of on YouTube (most likely while your at work being unproductive) walking into walls, falling into fountains, crossing the street without realizing it and getting drilled by a car... yeah those dingle berries.  How can it be OK in the heads of these people to venture out into the world and not pay attention to it.  Would you wear a blindfold and ear plugs and do anything?  What if they looked like a cell phone and ear buds, oh that's OK then, right? NO DAMN IT, STAHHHHP.  

On that note, my brain hurts and my fingers are tired from navigating this huge keyboard instead of gliding across my big beautiful Galaxy S6 Edge (can someone pick up that name I just dropped).  I joke a lot above but it really is a problem, at least to me.  People suck enough as it is without phones, and now they just suck even more.  But again, I myself am no angel, I'm guilty of most of these things as well (except the movie thing, there's a special place in hell for those people), but I admit it; and that's the first step when you have a problem you want to solve: admitting you have one.  As for the other 11 steps I haven't figured them out yet, but I'll let you know when I do.  Until then folks, enjoy your interneting and your cell phoning and social media-ing, and I shall do the same.  But just do me one favor: please look when you cross the fucking street, that should have been, like, one of the first things you learned as a kid.  That and don't touch the stove and don't accept candy from strangers unless its a Milky Way...because Milky Ways are awesome.

MY MINI VAN IS SEXY

Soooooooo I'm pissed.  My brand new 2014 Jeep Cherokee is in the shop....again.  After almost killing me last night as I drove home on the highway by having the power steering start to fail and every light on the fucking dashboard light up like the Fourth of July, except the only explosion was the stream of profanities that flew from my face.  I think I gave the driver of the car in front of me PTSD.

Anyway, after getting my BRAND NEW 2014 JEEP CHEROKEE into the shop A-FUCKING-GAIN I needed to worry about transportation since the dealer didn't have a loaner car, because why would a place that sells and fixes cars have an extra one or two laying around; this isn't Logic Land where everything makes sense and everyone's NOT an asshole.  However, in their defense it may be because Jeep has been pumping out so many fucking lemons lately that they simply have all their cars out on the road.  For example my sister got a BRAND NEW 2015 JEEP CHEROKEE and already had her transmission replaced.

Don't get me wrong, I have a love for all things Jeep (except that ugly ass Compass...eeww) but come the fuck on with this shit.  It's a new vehicle, they're involved with Porsche now (look it up) and part of a huge auto club of big names (Chrysler and Dodge, heard of em?) as well as produced off road vehicles for the military.  Now when it comes to a car that's supposed to get my ass from point A to point B they can't cope with the trials and tribulations of not getting me killed because the electrical system decided to shit the bed on me?  It's bad enough I drive like Jeff Gordon with diarrhea cramps on the way home from anywhere but now I gotta worry about my car deciding to have a hissy fit now?  Jeep...I'm not mad.  I'm disappointed.  Go to bed without supper.  And get your shit together.

Now to the title of this post.  Since I am without a vehicle, my work has bestowed upon me the honor of using the mini van as my own until my Jeep is off suicide watch.  So in order to honor my mini van, and relieve some aggression from my BRAND NEW BROKEN JEEP I'm gonna tell you all how amazing it is.

First off its amazing because its reliable.  Its got 120,000 miles on it and I don't think the power steering tried to kill anyone in a single one of those miles.  It can go 0-60 in 12.5 seconds and gets 20 miles to the gallon.  Cougars love me as it is, but just thinking of all the soccer mom-age that can be going on in that van that could never go on in my Jeep.  Hey ladies in your mom jeans, wanna live on the edge, let me turn off the passenger air bag and drive in the passing lane for a bit; speed limit, we passed that 10 MPH ago baby.  Ooooohhhh yeah.  When you get all hot and bothered we'll have plenty of room to "stretch" since the seats have been removed for optimal tool and material storage.  And, oh, don't worry there's already plenty of stains on the rug, so no one will notice a few more...Before I turn this into a creepy craigslist personal ad I'll stop.

But for real, what the fuck.  Get your shit together Jeep or I'm gonna go buy something Japanese and drive it until the wheels fall off, which I've heard almost never happens.

Still Here

Hey everyone.  I didn't forget about the blog, again.  I'm still playing catch up from vacation and have been exhausted, but FEAR NOT, for I am back in the mix.  There is sooooo much to tell about the week we had out west and I wish I could do it in such a way that you could experience everything as we did.  My limited space on this site wont even allow me to post the video slide show I made, but since its free I can't really complain.  So here I sit, eating some horrid tasting frozen dinner, replaying the trip in my head trying to think of the special things that stuck out.

Well for starters we spent a grand total of 79 hours in the car, traveling almost 5,000 miles and passing through about 10 states.  Spent $650 on gas between 2 people and killed about a million-million and a half bugs with the front end of my car.  And some of those bastards were big; every once in a while it was like my windshield was shot with a paintball gun.  These things would explode into all sorts of colors and pieces would trail up the windshield until they flew off the car.  My car packed on about 10 pounds of insect guts over the trip. Enough about bugs, lets get to the fun stuff.

DAY 1
Other than the quick entry I did on my tablet prior to this one Day 1 was full of driving, getting gas, sleeping for twenty minute intervals, more driving, eating greasy shit food, using disgusting rat infested bathrooms, coffee, and we listened to the Howard Stern show for most of the trip because laughing our asses off helped keep us awake driving through about a thousand miles of straight roads and fields, and fields, and fucking fields.  Once we got past Chicago and the Amish flash mob, that's what we go to look at until we crossed into Colorado.

Colorado is two hours behind us here in New York, and we pulled into Denver at 11:30 Mountain time (1:30 Eastern time for any one too lazy to do math).  We had driven the first length straight and we left at 5:00 Friday night and arriving 11:30 Saturday night, all math included we drove for about 32 hours.  So we looked and felt like shit.  We pull into the hotel that we called ahead and reserved when we got to the end of Nebraska and first thing I see is some skinny little shit in khaki shorts and a windbreaker screaming at the desk lady because he wanted to park in front and a car took up 2 spaces and he paid and blah blah blah.  He was gonna call the cops, because that's what cops want to deal with; some screaming entitled little whiny shit who's mad he had to park behind the hotel instead of in front.  Fuck that guy.  The woman said she'll take care of it and he stomped out into the parking lot, in the words of Rose Dewitt Bukater from Titanic, "wait for an absolution that would never come."  Because that clerk looked at me, I said "Asshole", she laughed and checked me in with a smile.  We parked our car and walked our bags in from the back of the hotel, where there were plenty of spaces, past the whiney bitchy creep kid still standing with his arms folded near the car parked in two spots.  I hope he found some justice...or got his ass kicked by someone.

We were both shot from the drive and not sleeping, so of course we changed and found the nearest bar and walked there.  It was the first of many breweries we would experience that week.  Being on no sleep and at such a high elevation we didn't figure that the two beers and two shots we would have would fuck us up so quick...but it did.  We ended up making our way back to the hotel after about an hour at the bar of talking to people and finding out what to do in Denver.  We got some good tips and places to check out and slept like fucking rocks.  The adventure was taking some serious form, and it finally hit us we were in Colorado!

   Just crossed the border into Colorado and filled up.  Notice the bugs the size of bats.

Captains Blog. Stardate VAYCAY 1

There's something about driving through Ohio at 4am blasting "Back Dat Ass Up" fueled by caffeine and a desperate urge too pee that makes me feel like we're finally on vacation.   Not only are we a far west as we've ever been but I just had the weirdest experience at a truck stop, and no it didn't involve a glory hole.

I was taking my much anticipated leak when an Amish man comes in to piss as well, decked out in his straw hat, blue shirt and brown vest and pants, sporting a beard and looking like he was ready to start a day in the life an Amish, whatever that met be.  The wired part was by the time I was done with my leak every bathroom stall and urinal was filled with  Amish people and Amish dudes waiting to use the bathroom.  This is a truck stop bathroom so there's probably thirty stations to relieve yourself and is huge but all of the sudden I found myself in the middle of an Amish rave at ten after four in the morning at a pit stop off I80.  Then I walked out and all their wives and daughters were walking around the rest stop looking like lost sheep.  Oh and they all smelled weird, can't really put my finger on what life though.

Then we walked back out to the car and couldn't figure out where the hell they came from.  No buggys, no farms in site. It was life the children of the corn, they just walked in off the fields and we probably escaped with our lives.

OK that's all for now, typing on my tablet is annoying so I might wait until I get to a computer.   On with the quest!

VACATION...Like The Movie, But For Real!

This is it, today is the day my good friend and I embark on a journey into the semi-unknown.  I'm so goddamn excited, except I feel like I'm coming down with something so I've been eating Airborne tablets at about 5 times the recommended dose per day.  I think I'm either keeping it at bay or have somehow managed to get high off Vitamin C; whatever the case, in a few hours I'm getting in my Jeep with my buddy Gary and hitting the road for the next day or so.

Again we have no plans, just a time frame of when we gotta be back to resume the rat race, and we think this is the best way to do it.  If anyone reading this knows one or both of us, people tend to take a liking to us.  I don't know why, maybe it's our personalities, maybe we come off as ultra sexy, maybe its our "fuck it, lets do it" attitude, but one thing is for sure, we have a penchant for meeting people and getting into things and every time we do something its ALWAYS and adventure.  We also tend to attract a lot of weird or borderline insane people, so we agreed if we hear banjos in the woods at any point in our trip we are high tailing it the fuck out of wherever we are.  That being said, any post on here within the next week (if I can get to a computer, if not no worries I'm bringing a journal so I don't forget anything and you all will get a full debriefing upon return) will be details of our grand adventure.

When I think about this trip I think about one of my favorite movie franchises of all time, the National Lampoons Vacation series.  I laughed my ass off watching and re-watching every single movie (admittedly not so much Vegas Vacation) and I fancy myself an amateur Clark Griswald, in fact this is going to be my mantra for the trip:

Barring any Marty Moose type bullshit or dying aunts (and I would totally strap her ass to the roof) this trip is indeed A QUEST FOR FUN.  I need this vacation more now than ever with the things going on in my life at the moment and even if its a semi-disaster like all their vacations were in the movies, it'll still be awesome.  Going on this trip with a cant lose attitude is only assuring that the quest will be successful.

I'm still trying to pack and finish up at work so I have to cut this short.  But I will leave you with a quote from the ultimate road trip movie, a quote I feel hits home and stresses the point of both morality of the human spirit, and a will to make the most out of any situation.  Enjoy, and talk to you peeps soon.

A Jeep, A Beard, and An Idea

One of the big issues (that I'm willing to discuss on here) this year for me was my car accident. I was driving to work on Valentines Day during a blizzard when Mother Nature, the dried up old bag that she is, decided to give me my present.  With the unwavering help of one of the competent state workers, she dumped about 100 pounds of slush off an overpass onto the parkway in which I was traveling, on a turn, 20 feet in front of me, with a car passing me on the left.  The lack of friction on the road allowed my tiny little Civic to fulfill its life long dream of being in Circ de Sole (spelling?) despite my best efforts for it not to.  Using the slush as a launching pad I was sent flying into the median then back across the parkway as my car attempted to do a cartwheel in mid air.  Thankfully the exit sign caught my trunk and stopped me from flipping off the highway into the woods; instead it threw the car back down into the road on its front end before tilting back and landing on its wheels, finally coming to its graceful stop facing oncoming traffic in a two lane parkway.  After a few minutes of fielding questions from my audience of teary eyed witnesses who thought I was going to die in front of them, I scooped up the biggest pieces of my car, threw them in my trunk (which was conveniently thrown open for me) and actually managed to get my car off the parkway and two more blocks to work before it died on me.  Yes, I was two blocks away on a 40 minute commute.

Long story short I got it fixed but the insurance screwed me and even though they said "she was good as new" I think "she drives like she's got Parkinson's Disease" was more accurate.  But perfect excuse to get a new car.  In comes my new Jeep Cherokee.  I love this car like I had birthed it myself.  It's my first new car and although I'm paying out the ass for it, it's gonna get me through any more bullshit Mother Nature has up her sleeve, and more importantly it's gonna get me to Colorado.

The title of this post is a little misleading, and for this I apologize.  It leads you, the reader, and if you are seeing impaired or illiterate than you, the listener, to believe that there were in fact three main points to this post; being a beard, Jeep, and an idea.  Well the fact is there is only two, and aside from my Jeep story the other part is that I had an idea to grow a beard hence the two being one in the same.  Now that that has been cleared up, I got this idea because about a month ago because I was feeling particularly crappy about a situation and had a case of the fuck-its when shaving came up   Also about one third of my face missed the puberty memo so a five o'clock shadow takes about a four days to form and has more gaps than a hillbilly's smile.  But when the fuck-its are involved, you aren't really thinking that you look like a homeless man-child, and when anyone asked me I just responded with "I'm trying to grow a beard."  Truth is I was trying just to not do much of anything.

One thing lead to another and when I finally felt like the itching was too much, even for the fuck-its, I went to shave and actually looked in the mirror for more than two seconds.  To my amazement my facial hair was getting long enough that it actually covered my patches and I went from looking like a homeless man-child to just a run of the mill homeless man!  I was quite impressed with my faces ability to overcome its own shortcomings by sheer will; it was like each individual hair knew what direction to grow in in order get some real teamwork going on.  YAY TEAM!  So my shave session turned into a trim session where I got rid of all those rebel hairs that were too cool to get with the program.  It was something I had never done before, I felt very manly and I wanted to make sure you all knew about it; and now you do.

Thus the idea to continue to grow my beard was born and I know you're all glad you read this and are rooting for me to grow the best beard in the goddamn world, and I will.  If all the things I learned from somewhere are correct then manly things will help my beard be even better, and what better way to man it up then by going on a road trip with a tent and no plans other than to not die.  By the time I get back I might be donating beard hair to cloth orphans in Brazil.  Damn I'm pumped for this shit.  OK that's it for now, I'm gonna go eat a rare steak and and hold open a door for some ladies BECAUSE REAL MEN KNOW CHIVALRY AND SHIT.  I can feel my face tingling already, chivalry is like miracle grow for beards.  You hear that fellas?

Oh Yeah I Have A Blog...

Hey everyone, I'm sure you're all relieved to know I'm not dead, just inconsistent with keeping up this blog I suppose.  Well I'm back...for now.  I'd like to tell you all I've been busy exploring the world, or finding myself, maybe even working undercover for a top secret agency; but that's not the case.  I've just been working my ass off and having one of the most stressful years of the 27 I've been walking this planet.  Sparing all the gory details, lets just say I find myself in a position to reconnect with some things I lost touch with since the start of the year and a weeks paid vacation coming my way I think I earned ten fold.

So I am not here to bitch and moan, because what has complaining ever got anyone.  I actually figured I would cover my upcoming adventure (more on that in a bit) in my own special way on here and hopefully entertain some of you people with my musings as well.

I called this blog "Sarcasms and Silver Linings" because my intention was to write both funny and inspirational posts as well as use this as a platform to do one of the things I love, which is write (duh).  Up until now, it has been mainly sarcasm with a small touch of silver lining.  With this entry I would like to up the ante on the latter.

As I said earlier, this year has been one mother and a half, yet I'm still standing.  I'm slowly but surely screwing my head back on straight and getting things done that I've put off for a while (including this blog).  The way I see it, when push comes to shove you can do two things.  You can sit and wallow in self pity or loathing, obsess about things that are out of your control and make it worse on yourself by being miserable, and thereby attracting other miserable people (misery loving company and all). Ooooor, you can accept what is at the moment and get the fuck up and do something that doesn't involve any of that pity party bullshit.  Self improve, self improve, self improve.  In any way you think or want.  Feel better about yourself and everything, in turn, will be better.  I'm not trying to be some Tony Robbins knock off (I mean feel free to make donations if my words of wisdom are helping) but seriously, do something that makes you feel good, get out of the mindset of the world coming to an end and smile, even if you have to force it, you'll feel better, trust me.

Attitude is everything.  It's a cliche phrase, honestly I'm actually sick of hearing it and can't believe I'm saying it, but hey, the shit is true.  Part of my screwing my head on straight has been a large part attitude and a large part determination to not feel like crap.  I've been walking at night on the local bike trail and eating a lot better (lost some weight, bringing sexy back).  I bought a guitar last year, its been a dust collector since then, so I picked it up last week and have been playing every night a little.  And you know what?  I fucking suck at it but I like doing it so I'm gonna keep doing it.  Every once in a while I convince myself that I played a chord from a Nirvana song and since no ones there to dispute that fact, that's exactly what I did.  I've also been reading some books I had lying around, getting in touch with old friends, throwing out old clothes; all these little things add up to big relief and a better overall outlook in any situation.  But now for the coup de grace on my stressful year: THE ADVENTURE!

I will briefly describe this adventure now, as I plan on writing extensively about it in the near future.  I, as some of you may know, am from the state of New York.  This Friday after work, my best bud and I will be embarking on a journey to the state of Colorado...FOR A WEEK!  This is not a normal vacation, we are not planning shit.  We know when were leaving and when we have to be back, everything in between is a toss up, hence the adventure.  Why, do you ask?  Did Louis and Clark have Sacagawea check out the hotels on the other side of the country before their trek: NO.  Did Megellan watch the weather channel before he sailed across the ocean: NO.  Did Neil Armstrong land on the goddamn Moon with an itinerary of all the cool local sites: NO...er, well maybe he had some idea because of telescopes, but you see where I'm going with this.  We're packing some clothes and toiletries and arming ourselves with a tent and our mega awesomeness and driving through the night into the great unknown (at least to us).

This may very well lead to something bigger down the road but as for now I just want to document what happens on this trip.  There will be pictures and stories and lots of fun stuff, I'm sure of it because my friend and I always seem to find our way into and out of interesting situations.

I apologize for the disjointedness of this post as I'm writing this with a mix of excitement and trying to bounce back after everything that's been this year so far.  I'll try and be more organized in future posts (and yes there will be future posts this time, I promise).  I would like to end this post with a quote from a song by the New Age artist Enya.  A quote in which I feel encompasses the theme of getting through the tough times and back on your feet.  I'm quoting from memory so forgive any mistakes.  I believe it goes:

"Who can say where the road goes/ something something/ only fucking time so stop crying and get off your ass and make a difference in your life because no ones gonna do it for you so make the time count"

Thank you, and goodnight...

Duck Dynasty Will Save The World...

That's right people, you heard it here first.

About as far removed from the disgusting pieces of shit that make up the Kardashian's as you can get, which is a family consisting of a couple self indulgent skanks and a greasy douche bag, the Robertson's have captivated America with their strong familial ties, work ethic, and all around happy demeanor.  It simply amazes me how such a family can pop up and trounce all over the current media sensations without so much as a feigned effort.  Think about it, they walked through a veritable pool of reality TV scum, and came out the other end bone dry and with the drain plug in their hands.  Which leads me to my original point and the title of this post, the Duck Dynasty family will save the world, and this is why...

I believe, to a degree, that they act the same with the cameras on as they do off.  Sure they probably tone down the antics and not having the camera in your face probably grants a return to normalcy most of us will never know, but I sincerely believe that they are who they say they are at their core, and that's important because it gives me hope that there are other people out there like that.  I like to think of the Robertson's like the modern day Noah's.  This time though, the flood is of stupidity, ignorance, and laziness and the Ark is the link between you and your TV, and your ability to reach down and identify with the Robertson's.  There are several Ark's though.  One is decked out with tanning beds, workout equipment, and sparkly, bedazzled t-shirts that showcase your nipples like its perpetually cold outside.  That Ark is gonna hit an iceberg, probably within the first week, probably at 50 knots...and its going to be hysterical because everyone but them saw it coming.  Then you have the Honey Boo-Boat that might just sink on its own, for obvious reasons, and will probably smell like the compost heap at a slaughterhouse.  I'll stop myself before I have a fleet of doomed Arks, but you get my point right?  

Yeah I've indulged in those shows a bit as well, but whats sad is that in day to day life I witnessed those shows on the street in front of me.  I've almost been stabbed by a blowout more times than I care to admit, and I used to think I would be dodging deadly hair cuts my whole life, until the Robertson's and Duck Dynasty.

Now there have been quite a few articles and other media forms trying to defame them by saying they weren't like they are on the show in earlier lives, Phil used to be a drunk, they didn't have beards, yadah, yadah, yadah.  Whoopty shit!  There is nothing that anyone will try and propagate that isn't anything they haven't admitted to in an interview or written in a book.  No single person or family is a perfect entity, and the Robertson's don't try and hide the fact that they're far from perfect, they own up to their pasts, and leave them there.  Whatever problems or struggles they had made them who they are, and their problems aren't anything that any one of us wouldn't have to maybe deal with.  They don't have sex tapes floating around, illegitimate children popping up in different states, they didn't gamble away pensions of employees or kill anyone.  Their problems could be our problems, it makes them real.

They are real people, who are on TV, and they don't have some tearjerker story attached to them or have any particular reason to be there.  Yes, the reason they got there was because they are self-made millionaire's and have beards and do "red-neck things."  But there have been, and are, plenty of deep south family shows out there trying to achieve what they have, but they lack the vital element, that being they aren't real.  Physically, of course, they're walking around somewhere right now punching turtles or something, but they don't resonate because after the show is over, there is nothing to think about, no warm feeling to ponder, just credits and commercials.  After watching an episode of Duck Dynasty, sometimes for the tenth time, I still end it with a smile and a want to be part of what they have for just a bit, and a desire to create it in my own life.  Whatever they did to get where they are, they are winning in life, and they did it on their own. I want that.  And I'd bet the farm (see what I did there) that there are millions of others out there that want that too; and I bet they outnumber (hope they outnumber) those who want to "live like a Kardashian".... I can't believe I just typed that.  I'm going to go bleach my fingers, be right back...

OK back.  But in all seriousness, that hope and desire to emulate their life in my own way is the reason I believe they will save the world.  By being role models for happiness they can break the cycle of idiocy on TV and in our own lives by showing us what you can get when you surround yourself with good people, raise your kids with pride and respect, and work hard at what you do.  They make it look so good and never lead you to believe it was easy; how anyone could watch an episode of that show and not think this is beyond me.  And to bring back their pasts again, they don't hide what they've been through or used to be because I think they know that they are setting an example for us and they don't want us to think we can't get to where they are in life if were going through shit in our lives.  I might be giving more credit than is due but whether they do it on purpose or not they are an inspiration to many.

Sure the Robertson's may have sold out a bit, but it hasn't changed them.  Regardless of what people think of them, all the really bad things that have been said are just things taken out of context that they said themselves, and it kind of just rolls off.  Countless interviews have come across my path of people that know them personally and not a single one had anything negative to say about them, before or after fame.  So take a step back haters, you are not gonna win with this one.  Beard or no beard, cheesy photo shoots or lame ass ad campaigns, at the end of the day they go home to their families and pick up where they left off.  Like a real person.

I'm gonna wrap this up by saying that I sincerely believe that the Robertson's have the capacity to save the world.  If everyone got on board and tried to model any aspect of their lives after them as opposed to DJ Pauly D or Paris Hilton then the crowd of those types of people would fade out faster Snookies book (yes she wrote one...I imagine with crayons or finger paint).  Even if it is staged a bit or situational its still them and their values or morals or whatever it is that makes them stand out, shines through.  Maybe I'm kissing ass, maybe I'm delusional, but when I'm sitting in my office making a million bucks an hour because Duck Dynasty made me see I could, there's gonna be two things on the wall behind me: a big picture of my family, and this bad boy...

...and I wont even care if anyone thinks I'm a weirdo because of it, it's my dream let me live it.  In the wise words of Si: "Some people say I'm a dreamer.  Other's say, "If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go".  You tell 'em Si, you tell 'em.