Save the Internet, Save the World; Antisocial Media and Other Fun Things

Hi, my name is Steve and I am a critical thinker.

If you’ve ever been to any of the varieties of Anon meetings or seen them on TV, then the above line might seem familiar. I have a problem; not your average problem by far, but a serious one: I like to use my brain (you might get a different answer from my girlfriend but that’s another piece all together).

I like to think about things, I like to read things and research stuff, and I thoroughly enjoy a heated debate (as long as the other person has a willingness to listen and approach objectively as possible, not scream “I’m right, you’re wrong, *climbs pedestal* conversation over!”). That being said I feel like people like myself are too few and far between.

NOW HOLD ON!! I can see some of you salivating, waiting for this to turn into a political diatribe that will paint you a picture of why I’m a friend or an enemy, fingers stretched and ready to praise me or rip me apart in the comments. Well, OK, this is going to be very political, but if you are (and I mean really, really are) like myself, then you will enjoy, nay, understand, the following words. If not, and you are one of those people who have meltdowns over Facebook posts, save yourself the aggravation and go back to only reading things that you agree with, or trolling people who you don’t.

SOOOOoooooo, here we go…

HEY! Wanna know why everyone is such a prick when it comes to politics these days? SOCIAL MEDIA THAT’S WHY! Any platform where Joe and Jane Blow can gear up to fight all the injustice in the world with their caps lock on and “unwavering moral code” is the problem, and there are too damn many platforms (soapboxes?) for that. This is why there is so much contrived hardship when it comes to anything remotely political, because people revolve their lives around their feeds, their “go-to sites” for a majority of the hate and hope in their existence. I mean hell, even the national news networks pull Buzzfeed articles and celebrity twitter posts and pass them off as legit before researching them! Admittedly, I’m no journalist, but I did take an introductory class in college, and the first thing we learned (literally, this was written on the board under the full course name) is RESEARCH; and when CNN posts anything that’s source is from an unknown who’s online handle was “HanAssholeSolo” (yes, that’s where it came from, that was the username the “news” glossed over, can’t make this up) you have to, as a person with half a brain (hopefully, maybe?) come to the conclusion on your own that SOMETHIN’ AIN’T RIGHT!

Before we continue, I just want to throw this one thing out there. You’re going to see me bash the “news” a bunch. This is in no way because our spray tanning Commander-in-Chief has been beating the “fake news” horse to death since his campaign trail. This is a belief I’ve harbored for as far back as I can remember. I grew up outside of NYC and every day I would see The New York Post and The Daily News posting the exact same article, sometimes with the exact same picture, with two very opposite viewpoints; and it still goes on today. I would watch people pick up the paper that’s headline they aligned with, and that was now their version of events. The fact that every news paper doesn’t have the same factual content and that they use specific words and cherry pick certain things to include and/or leave out in order to fit their personal view doesn’t make for news, but glorified opinion pieces. This goes for all news outlets. As the infamous Hunter S. Thompson said: 

“As far as I’m concerned, it’s a damned shame that a field as potentially dynamic and vital as journalism should be overrun with dullards, bums, and hacks, hag-ridden with myopia, apathy, and complacence, and generally stuck in a bog of stagnant mediocrity.” 

Even Mr. Thompson saw it decades ago! The cable news is a little more uniformed because they mostly tend to lean to the left (except FOX of course, which is the whipping boy for the other networks because of that choice). So that’s my reasoning; this isn’t new, this isn’t made up to make this article work, this isn’t my ode to President Trump, it’s the result of my own thinking and conclusions that I based off personal observation. Alrighty, back to the meat and potatoes…

Every single protest, convention, show, famous moron shooting their mouth off because for some reason, the ability to entertain is synonymous with higher thought, or anything at all; is dictated by some sort of social media precursor. Even the President is doing it! Regardless of your thoughts on the guy, he’s using social media, specifically Twitter in case you live under a rock, several times a day to simultaneously enrage and placate the country. As much as I try to ignore the fact that Twitter exists because I think it’s completely stupid, I still know what fucking Tweeters tweeted and twoted and twa….SHUTCHO MOUTH; SHAFT! (sorry, couldn’t help myself). But do you see? I don’t use Twitter for ANYTHING (the only reason I have an account is because an ex made one for me however long ago to enter a contest) and I know about the tweets in detail, that’s the power social media has to reach beyond it’s own realm. The psychosis of social media is causing the country to eat itself from the inside out. It’s not the government (although they love to take full advantage, as we all see) or who is in office, it’s all those who live for the bullshit that is destroying whats left of common sense and decency in the world, i.e. those who live for and/or on social media.

And NO, it’s not media in general (although ALL news today is mostly anything but truth) because media in general is even being duped. I mean, honestly, the above mentioned CNN bit is proof of that. A once reputable, I’ll say it again ONCE REPUTABLE, news station ran with a Buzzfeed article that someone in the studio probably had on one of their social media “news feeds”. Really think about that: A world news organization took an article from BUZZFEED (you know the site, “10 reasons your lover wants you to shave your back”, “how to save the world by driving backwards and speaking Latin”, “funny things kittens said”….no offense Buzzfeed, I love ya), sold it as news and did ZERO research; and that is far from an honest mistake, that’s blatant stupidity. Honestly, think about that… If you found out one of your child’s high school teachers was basing their lessons out of a textbook that they found in a toy box in the kindergarten classroom written in crayon, as opposed to, oh say, the library, would you ever take them seriously? I hope the answer is no. And furthermore, if that is the kind of digging and research they do, what else have they slipped in there that actually passed off as truth? Social media’s bullshit has gotten so out of hand that it’s being passed off as legitimate news. That’s fucking insane!

Social media, hands down, is the biggest reason why everybody is such an asshole today, the reason there’s so much animosity, so much stupidity. Why is this? Welllllll this is because everybody can be, and wants to be, heard but no one wants to actually listen. When hiding behind a screen and an avatar it’s easy to “change” world one letter at a time; this is cliched but it’s the truth. That truth is made even worse by the fact that there are very few people that can maintain the consistency of their social media profiles in real life. Also a huge reason for this is no one can be told to shut the fuck up in person as soon as they’re being a goddamn idiot. People lack a sense of humility that comes when acting like an asshole in public these days because now they can go online and find a group of like minded assholes to act like assholes with because they’re ASSHOLES; plus, if you don’t agree with the groups of assholes you are labeled as one of the things they hate. So your either an asshole oooorrrrrr a bigot, pussy, sexist, racist, stoner, redneck, something-phobic, uneducated, America hater, evil, cry baby, Hitler, snowflake or any other of the plethora of things that are being forged daily in the name of “I’m right, you’re wrong because you disagree with me”.

All this is the biggest reason no one takes anything seriously; why all the crying and bitching on both sides is for naught and only giving fuel to the people who are actually in power to push the machine forward and consume our lives while we bicker amongst ourselves to no avail. What is going to get accomplished by getting a bunch of angry jerks together to go annoy a bunch of other angry jerks just because they don’t identify with each others plight (so obviously they’re wrong duhhhhhhhh). Are both groups wrong? Are both right? Am I able to objectively hear both arguments and make a decision after or do I go in with my head down and just wait for my turn to repeat what I heard on one of my news feeds? And most importantly if I don’t agree with the other side, can I still at least be comfortable that they have their own viewpoints? You know, one of the big reasons we broke away from the Mother Country; because we couldn’t do that back then or the Redcoats would come knockin’. These are the questions that need to be asked of yourself before anyone goes ape-shit about something, because getting all riled up and acting like an angry child only lessens the chance of someone with different viewpoints or opposing viewpoints listening to you, let alone taking you seriously. It’s like people are legitimately confused that everyone doesn’t agree with them, like were all one big hive mind and those not part of their particular empathy club are the ones that are broken.

Fredrick Nietzsche, one of the most brilliant philosophical minds ever, talked vehemently about “the herd” morality and how it’s destroying the world. Basically it’s defined as a morality in which people with the inborn ability to rise above the average sideshow are pressured into becoming a complacent member of “a smaller, almost ridiculous type, a herd animal, something eager to please, sickly, and mediocre.” (Beyond Good and Evil); and this is what is going on today, only being helped along by social media. Social media is the “grouping ground” and people flock toward each other at full speed when they see something to attack or praise, it’s hard not to notice. I’m going to use an example of this that was a point of contention for me on Facebook a while back. Get your hater hats ready! And to those who are still reading that believe they are right in everything they do and know, this next bit is just for you.

So some of you may know that I have a twisted sense of humor and so do all of my closest friends. I try to surround myself with people who can laugh about anything, even if it challenges their belief systems; and I conduct my Facebook page as such. I posted a meme I thought was funny for my friends, knowing some people wouldn’t like it, but, in truth, I really don’t give a shit what people think of my posts, delete me and solve your problems like an adult person. Anyway, it was about the Women’s March back in January of 2017. I don’t know much about it other than women’s rights are at stake because Trump is President and glass ceilings and wage gaps and if you are a woman you need to be on board or else you’re…well, wrong (this is based on what I’ve gathered from a bunch of my social media friends…”research”). One thing led to another and it went from sharing laughs (mostly among female friends who got a kick out of it, by the way) to a political shouting match and up to almost a week later, there were still people (some of which weren’t even friends of mine on Facebook, but not missing an opportunity to “right a wrong” chimed in anyway) posting their 2 cents and patting themselves on the back for it. I’ll be the first to say the meme could be considered “tasteless” (yet in my world that translates to “fucking hysterical”…so sue me), but the direction it went in a split second was crazy.

I didn’t say this on the post because I knew it would only make it worse but my take on the march is as follows: Whatever your reasons for having it (I only say whatever because I’ve heard so many different answers)it was drowned out by the absurdity. Ashley Judd screaming about period blood to a bunch of people wearing vagina hats (some even topless) is not the way to get a point across…because it looks ridiculous. That’s why it’s hard to take seriously, it’s completely belligerent. Who’s mind are they trying to change by doing that? I guess Harvey Weinstein missed the memo, even though there was enough Hollywood “elites” involved (where’s the March planned against his twisted ass, by the way?). I watched clips, not because I was interested in the plight, but because it was a fucking train wreck and I wanted to see it, like internet rubbernecking. Sure no one got arrested or broke anything, which is always the goal and it’s great, but other than not breaking the law and other peoples things, what did they really do other than give the other side more ammo? Really, what? What came of it, I am genuinely asking, and not to be a dick, I really want to know what was accomplished or thought to be accomplished; and “awareness” isn’t a sufficient answer, it’s a cop-out and I feel like most people’s version of awareness is “look at meeeeeee”.

I don’t think I need to explain why “The March” was so hard to take seriously, but here it is anyway: It’s because the group of people whose minds they’re trying to change sit back in bewilderment and think of how ridiculous they all look and sound with your vagina hat and your breasts out screaming about menstruating. If a group of people came up to you on the street, naked and/or dressed like they came from some LSD laden Mardi Gras costume party, screaming about anything, whether you agreed or not, would you actually sit there and ponder the finer points of their argument? If the answer is yes, than the March must have been the deepest most introspective event since Gandhi ate a pound of shrooms (read about that on Facebook…”research”). But if you’re like most people that prefer conversation over ornery screaming and megaphone chants you may be able to agree that they took the wrong approach to make a point.

The worst part is not all of them, I’ll even say not most of the people at the march, were part of the, what I’ll call, “New Age Feminist Burning Man on Crack”, but any good the rest of the people in the march did was overshadowed by the sideshow that was all over the news and feeds because that’s what gets hits on social media. Put it this way, when the Westborough Baptist Church can have a more uniformed and clear protest than you, and they are the absolute scum of the Earth, you might need to rethink your plan of action; I mean c’mon they don’t even have to stop traffic, they just stand on the side of the road with their hate and their despicable, crazy shit and get pelted with eggs and bottles. It’s sad that our God given right to protest is being muddled by our God given right to be morons. Where did meaningful marches go?

Want to know why the civil rights marches in the 60’s worked, because they had an actual, visceral, tangible problem that everyone involved both knew and agreed upon. Not saying we don’t have those today, but now racism is used as the reason for something bad happening as often as it can be whether or not it’s remotely related to the actual reason, which utterly undercuts the times when it’s the root issue. Back in the 60’s, the urgency to combat racism was underlined by the fact that the problem was acknowledged by everyone (even the racist ones that didn’t think it was a problem) because it really existed (Jim Crow ring a bell?). Now days, this is best described as an example: A few weeks back I heard a woman call a guy a “racist blind bastard” because he beeped at her for crossing the street when the “DON’T WALK” sign was clearly and brightly lit. See what I’m saying? Today, racism is being concocted because claiming it (specifically when it isn’t the case) gets you attention, it gets you sympathy, it gets you things. Anything can be racist now. The barista gave you too hot a cup of coffee…RACISM! Yeah, I’m being facetious but there are cases like this every day. It’s making the real issue of racism be ignored and it’s anger misplaced.

The whole statue thing (that has apparently lost all steam as of late)is an example of that. Someone saw a remnant from history that may symbolize something to them that doesn’t to others that went unnoticed for decades, but now it’s racist because no one knows what actual racism is anymore. The statues weren’t erected as a tribute to slavery and slave owners, and to think that shows you don’t think that much. It’s like people expect world history to be in-line with today’s bullshit because in their fantasy land it’s possible somehow. In the 60’s racism was hard and real and it caused huge problems in America. It was an issue that needed to be addressed in our country, and it was done the right way: with intelligent discourse and sensible, peaceful protests. The people then didn’t just make up and selectively pick statistics to fit their ideals and throw it in people’s faces, or dress up like imbeciles and run around screaming with their private parts flailing in the wind. And it wasn’t all sent into overdrive because they loved or hated the president. But now I wouldn’t be surprised if labeling something“racist” isn’t used more than it was decades ago when racism was commonplace. Honestly, now all it takes to lump you in with one group or the other is to hear who you voted for, because that makes sense. I guess it’s easier to assume something and join in than ask questions and investigate. Which brings me to another brilliant quote from Nietzsche:

“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to tell them to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.” (The Dawn)

Even though this directly deals with youth, it goes for everyone. When perusing Facebook (sorry I keep using Facebook, it’s literally the only social app I mess with regularly), you can pick any politically themed post and, if you’re observant enough, can pretty much quote what people are going to say in the comments before you even read them. The inability to free think starts with the youth in schools like U.C. Berkeley, where you are rewarded with praise for identifying with the majority and verbally, sometimes physically, assaulted for not (looking at you ANTIFA, you are the parody of a free rights group and domestic terrorists and do nothing to help either side, go back to the holes you crawled out of, please…and invest in some shampoo, you all look like you need some shampoo). This was explicitly seen when they cancelled conservative speakers visiting campus in lieu of the violence (both verbal and physical) that was supported by a number of faculty and staff against the speakers and those who wanted to listen; it was only addressed when Ben Shapiro pushed back after having his speech cancelled for “safety reasons”. 

Mr. Shapiro is one of my favorite people (Mr. Shapiro, if you are reading this, let’s grab a beer; on me) and even though I don’t agree with everything he says, I love hearing him talk and he is also one of the biggest proponents of free speech and equality going. He is also a Jewish man who was the number one recipient of antisemitic journalistic attacks a few years back, as revealed by the ADL (Anti-Defamation League). Why is this relevant? Because those outside protesting him were doing it on grounds that he was a white supremacist and a Nazi (you know the people who really hate Jews, just to name one of the many things they hate). If anyone outside had actually taken the time to find out about Shapiro before running to the craft store for poster board and markers they may have saved themselves some time, energy and money. (This incident alone is enough for ten more pieces so I’ll leave it here for now, but anyone interested should check it out, it’s quite the story). Why didn’t they? Mr. Nietzsche told us in that above quote. It’s the “group think is greater than free think” argument and the impressionable youth are the easiest targets because they just want to be accepted. Very few people at that young of an age have the desire to want to be isolated from the group because of an idea that isn’t status quo, so they gather all the info they need from their social feeds and “friends” and adjust accordingly, we’ve all been there to some degree, some just stay too long.

We need to promote free thought and subsequently, free speech, we just have to. Unless your idea is punching babies and killing puppies for fun, who gives a shit if what you think isn’t on par with everyone else. It’s naive to think that as many people as is portrayed think exactly the same, and I mean actually think that. From watching and listening to social media and the news itself, it’s perceived that there are only two sides to the state of the union, WHEN THERE ARE LITERALLY UNLIMITED SIDES. Solutions can only be come to by talking, not fighting and pointing the finger and refusing to listen to the other sides; and I mean sincerely listen, not wait for your turn to comment. As I said earlier about myself and my Facebook page, I conduct it how I conduct myself, and if I think something is funny I’ll share it and I have lost friends over it; oh I’m sorry were talking about Facebook, I meant “friends”. I’ve been chastised by everyone from family to “friends” of “friends” (as pointed out earlier) just because they can’t see past their own ego long enough to think I might not actually be suckling the same teat that they are chugging from.

I’ve been accused of and berated for voting Rep and Dem by those too ignorant to ask and just assume, that because I like to think for myself and ruffle feathers of the sheep on both sides, that I’m a bastard from the left/right. I believe both sides have their solutions to problems that could work (as well as the other sides no one hears about), but by no means does one hold all the answers. So who did I vote for? Neither, I cast my vote for Johnson (he was on the ballot, look it up if you don’t believe me), I don’t play the lesser of two evils game. Both candidates were so awful I wouldn’t have been able to sleep knowing I was responsible for whoever won. (Bernie with his never ending bag of other peoples money and his election promises that were probably written in glitter pen on the back of a Sizzler kids menu wouldn’t have been an option for me if he made it anyway, which he should have over Hillary, but hey that’s just my and a lot of other peoples opinion). I will say this, I thought the Reps were being babies when Obama won in 08, but until witnessing the utter disgusting, hateful shit that that came from the Dems (who want to stop hate…by being hateful — have yet to see this strategy work) is nauseating. And can someone tell Hillary she’s not running anymore? Please? She really isn’t helping anyone but herself and her own interests (which is par for the course for her, I guess).

Every chance she gets she’s back in the spotlight, running her mouth on TV and social media, blaming everyone and everything except her shitty attitude, demeanor and past deeds for the reason she didn’t win. She wrote a book about it for Christ’s sake. Hey, lady, you lost to Donald Trump, not for any other reason than the fact that you are such a terrible person that you couldn’t swindle a win out of the Presidential Campaign. You were such a bad candidate that I think it would be safe to say that you lost the election more than Trump won it, if that makes any sense. Say it, Donald Trump beat you, the least qualified, most over zealous person that ever ran for President of the USA beat you without question or need of a recount; not because of racism (Obama won with overwhelming numbers the first time if anyone remembers( Electoral college: 365–173) and the second time ( 332–206) so unless he turned people racist during his terms, that argument holds no water), or sexism but because you belittled everyone who wasn’t on your side (deplorable’s ring a bell?), blamed Russia (yeah, I know this is about how social media is ruining the world but I’m still waiting on any proof that a Russian ad campaign on Facebook blew the doors off an election), and I could go on for pages with just bullet points but at the risk of giving her more attention I wont. I’ll just step away from her antics with an example of why I think she lost.

The following are three tweets, each a minute apart, after the Vegas shooting:

Hillary Clinton‏Verified account @HillaryClinton Oct 2

Las Vegas, we are grieving with you — the victims, those who lost loved ones, the responders, & all affected by this cold-blooded massacre.

7:02 AM — 2 Oct 2017

The crowd fled at the sound of gunshots. Imagine the deaths if the shooter had a silencer, which the NRA wants to make easier to get.

7:03 AM — 2 Oct 2017

Our grief isn’t enough. We can and must put politics aside, stand up to the NRA, and work together to try to stop this from happening again.

7:04 AM — 2 Oct 2017

Before I give Mrs. Clinton the ol’ one two, I want you all to know that she was not the only person doing this, I know that. My gripe with her is the fact that she’s trying to make it seem like she lost the election because we’re all bad people, not because she’s a bad person, so she asserts herself and her asinine bullshit every single chance she gets; like a spiteful ex. Here we see her using the massacre to once again stir the pot, like she’s going to get a call from Trump to take his spot.

So she starts with the usual prescription post of thoughts and prayers, fine, ok can’t really get on her for that because we we’re all feeling this way. OK Mrs. Clinton, I can stand with you on this one.

Then, a minute later, like a melodramatic Tourette’s outburst, places blame on the NRA and tries to scare people onto her side with *gasp* silencers. First, the NRA isn’t holding any office or a direct part of the government, they’re literally an interest group. Yes, they’re a pretty damn huge one, yet so are the Boy Scouts and Yankee fan’s (from the late 90's), but since they don’t revolve around guns, they’re OK…for now at least. Their influence is there, as is any interest group, but because their interest is the hot issue, they’re branded the enemy. Furthermore, silencers do not make a weapon silent, this isn’t a 007 movie, it’s real life, Mrs. Clinton. Silencers, especially on assault weapons, are there to lessen the sound, not silence it. Use Google and look it up, I’m not going to waste much time explaining it here, but, to be quick, the sound is caused by the hot gas rapidly expelling itself from the chamber through the muzzle, the silencer just gives the air more places to go instead of one, which lessens the sound, it’s like going from screaming to talking loudly. On to the third tweet, yet another minute later.

In her dramatic conclusion to the tweets she begins playing on the heightened emotions of the country and blaming the NRA once again, and suggesting “putting politics aside” as if her tweets (I hate using that word while trying to be serious…tweets…ugh) were anything but politics. Look, no matter what you think of the NRA, they aren’t arming citizens and telling them to shoot people, they aren’t even writing legislation, they’re AN INTEREST GROUP and if they have any influence at all it’s only because they’re so vast and varied. They are just a scapegoat for weak minded people to point the finger at every time something bad happens with a gun because having civil discourse just doesn’t happen anymore. Someone needs to be responsible right away.

What Clinton did is deplorable (see what I did there, hehe). She couldn’t even wait a day, AN HOUR, to climb up on her pedestal and start firing shots, it’s like she’s addicted to being a jerk. What she did was weak, she played on the anger and fear of the moment just to hear herself speak and get everyone fired up, she couldn’t even wait for the dust to clear; at the time she wrote that, the whole terrible event was less than 12 hours old and no one knew anything about it, well, except for her apparently. What Hillary did was show that she’s incapable of getting a point across without using some sort of emotional sidecar; then she doesn’t even exploit the issue correctly! On top of the fact that she used zero tact by not even waiting for the smoke to clear before spouting off, you know, like The Donald (but it’s OK if she does it, praiseworthy even).

Yeah, gun control is a HUGE issue, and needs to be talked about; but with constructive words not blame and accusations. However, talking about it 10 minutes after a mass shooting is like trying to settle a divorce 10 minutes after you caught your spouse cheating. Is there really a rational conversation to be had that close to it happening, or can anything good come out of the conversation by riding the coat tails of a mass murder? And we have been talking about it, for as long as I can remember, just not constructively; so I don’t get the sentiment that anyone is “afraid” to talk about it today; are people legitimately scared to talk? Actually, I stand corrected, we haven’t been talking about it, we’ve been talking at each other. We need to compromise, not have one way get total say, or it will never work. It’s like the whole country is part of some bad movie; which is even more upsetting because now it’s hard to find a movie that isn’t some poorly veiled political message. Why, Hollywood, why…?

Unfortunately, Hollywood is full of the biggest hateful crybabies so 90% of everything from that world is biased and revolving around their views and no one can get away from it. I don’t know when it happened but we are going through this weird type of reverse McCarthyism. For those of you unfamiliar, McCarthyism was “the practice of making accusations of subversion or treason without proper regard for evidence” (nabbed this from Wikipedia). This was a Cold War practice where if you didn’t like someone for any reason you could claim they were a Communist and they would be dragged over the coals and shamed and vetted. Of course more often than not it ended up not being true, but looks like we’re doing it again. Now it’s the people with more money than God who pump out shitty movie after shitty movie who are pointing fingers. Or the “news media” pulling internet opinion pieces and passing them off as breaking news that have somehow gained the power to accuse, when the reality is they refuse or lack the mental fortitude to get facts straight. But because people listen they get away with it. Anyone ever play Lemmings?

To sum this whole thing up I don’t want or need to be dramatic, I’m just asking, and not for me but for yourselves, to put a little extra effort into the thought department, don’t get so bent out of shape when someone thinks one way is better than another. Calm down and read and absorb information, maybe actually read an article you might not agree with instead of blasting off in the comments because the headline disrupted your mental homeostasis. I’m not asking you to change your mind, just open it and I mean actually open it; you never know what you can learn or what will change a thought process you had by learning something you might not have known, and wouldn’t have known by discounting it’s source because the person who wrote the piece isn’t the political alignment, ethnicity, age or sex that you think qualifies knowledge of a subject. There are a lot of smart people out there of all colors and creeds who know a lot about a lot of things, I promise. Please, turn off the social media for a single day and try all of this, for the good of the world, because this is the only way we will overcome any issues, by being observant and open minded. As one of my favorite comedians said: “Democrats are idiots. Republicans are idiots. Anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issue, is a fucking fool. Be a person. No normal, decent person is one thing. Listen first then form an opinion.” — Chris Rock

Amen, Mr. Rock. Amen…

A Bold Move: The Sorrows and The Raptures

A few weeks ago I wrote about my girlfriend and I moving in together.  Yes, we've only been together for a year (our anniversary is March 10th), and it was a mother fucking roller coaster of a year for us, but we found a cozy little spot and said lets move in, and that we did. Well 3 months later, almost to the day, here is what we learned.  Marvel at our genius, laugh at our mistakes, take notes on our experience because you cant make this shit up.

First, let's talk about something everyone most likely has within their home:

TOWELS

Part of our journey into becoming real human people who can wipe our own asses was galavanting around looking for the perfect towels for our happy little home.  Upon finding said towels (some big, fluffy, black towels, awwww yeah) we brought them home and hung them on the new, fancy towel rack we had also purchased and stood back in awe at our accomplishment.  In our haste to perfect our bathroom we put up the towels without washing them first and then completely forgot.  Don't do that.  For the next month we were scrubbing the bathroom and ourselves off every time we took a shower because there was so much black fucking fuzz seemingly loosely hanging on, waiting for an opportunity to stick to something.  It was a nightmare, it looked like our bathroom was sprouting pubic hair in every square inch.  We ended up having to put them through the wash about five times in order for that to stop happening.  The moral of this story is if you buy new, fluffy, awesome, things to dry yourself with, tie them to your roof and drive across the country, stopping to wash them in every state, before you even think of bringing them into your house.

LIVING THINGS

Yeah, plants should be the way to go for most people when they first move in together, but we are super people, so we went straight for a fish, and then less than a week later, two itty bitty kitty sist..ies(?).  We did looked at plants first but they weren't really doing it for us; and since we're go big or go home people we went and bought the first edition: a blue Beta fish, aptly named Eli Manning.  Eli Manning (full name used at all times when addressing him) is a wonderful fish who lives a life of luxury, mainly because when we were buying (...er, adopting I guess) him, the cashier scared us into buying him a heater that was later told to us by everyone and their mothers that it wasn't needed since we don't live in a cave and room temp is a good temp.  But anyway less than a week later, when we were confident that our parenting skills to Eli Manning were sufficient enough to expand our family, we went to the SPCA and adopted Aria and Sansa, sister kittens that were five weeks old.  I'm happy to report that at the time of this writing all of the above mentioned living things are alive and well and it looks like it's going to stay that way.

At first, because of our healthy diet of Looney Tunes growing up (you know before they were considered offensive and pulled off TV because everyone is an asshole), we were afraid the cats would eat the fish, or the fish would pop out of the bowl and hit the cats with a mallet labeled "ACME" and break the glass table.  Much to our surprise, neither of these things happened; the cats have discovered the fish by now and have tried to mess with it, but we've managed to keep him safe by putting him in the Fishness Protection Program, or to the layman, the top of our dresser because the kittens cant get there...yet.

Now, I've been a dog person my whole life.  And because I love my girlfriend and we cant have dogs in our place (our plan was kitten and puppy originally) I've learned to give cats a chance, and I gotta say they aren't that bad.  Sure they have some sort of marathon training every night from about midnight until sunrise, using our bodies as spring boards randomly while we're sleeping between running laps around the entire apartment, but, again, they're not that bad.  So my advice to you all, go for the pets, it really changes the dynamic of a home no matter what it is (but at least consider going the plant route first).

FURNISHING

Obviously we needed stuff in our place to take up room other than ourselves.  The furniture shopping experience was almost as exhausting as moving it in and putting it together.  We measured every square inch of our place then, of course, forgot the measurements every time we went out shopping.  Essentially we guesstimated every piece of furniture we own; and since we are so fucking awesome at life, every piece actually fit perfectly, and I mean perfectly; as in not an inch to spare when all was said and done.  Our bed set and two night stands fit into our room with literally less than an inch on either side of the furniture to the wall.  I use italics to emphasize the awesomeness.  

The couch we bought is perfect, and we found it by accident.  We spent about two weeks looking for just a couch, finally finding one we thought would fit and putting a deposit down so we could go home and mull it over.  It was a wrap around couch with a chaise (a word I have grown to fucking loath since all this started for some reason) for about $3,000.  So we went home, mulled, and before we decided my buddy told us about a discount outlet center of the same store we were in so we decided to give that a shot before pulling the trigger.  Good thing we did for two huge reasons.  The first being that we ended up not only furnishing almost our entire apartment (two night stands, bed frame, area rug, dresser for two, huge mirror, end table, couch) for the same price as the original couch, but the original couch would have taken up our entire apartment.  The couch we ended up getting is about half the size of the other one and has a cuddle corner and fits fucking perfectly in the corner of our living room.  Yes, folks, cuddle corners are becoming the new version of a chaise (ugh, that fucking word again). 

What is a cuddle corner you ask?  It's cool as shit for starters.  It's a couch shaped kind of like a music note (see: crotchet), the cuddle corner being the little black ball at the end.  We cuddle there a lot (as indicated in the instruction manual, next to the warning about the couch being flammable and the cooking directions) and binge watch things on Netflix and Hulu and Youtube because we modern as fuck (hell yeah we are).   We blew through seasons of Biggest Loser, The Voice, Pretty Little Liars (don't hate, it's a guilty pleasure), this show, that show, and the other show.  We also like to play Xbox in the cuddle corner together (yes, she plays, hallelujah, holy shit). That couch, it's a good couch, we like the couch.

IKEA

If you've ever been to IKEA then you will understand why this is not included in the furnishing portion of this entry.  If not, here it is: You are not buying furniture at IKEA, you are condemning yourself to walk through an adult maze with a little tiny fucking pencil and a "wish list" where you jot down furniture model number, then cross them out for something better, then write them again, then go back and stare at it for ten minutes, then cross it out for something cheaper, then find something that matches something else you saw, so you cross it out and redo the whole fucking thing, and just when you think you're done you find other shit you want and go back again, rinse, repeat, and then they have gross cola and Swedish meatballs.  The amount of mental and physical anguish involved in a shopping trip to IKEA is overwhelming, which is why it gets its own special mention.  Ten hours of our lives were sucked away without us even realizing in two trips, and we did both trips within a week because we're fucking insane.  We did end up with more perfect furniture though so it was worth it.  After all was said and done we acquired a TV stand, shelves, living room tables, a kitchen table, as well as a shit ton of little things, and a big decorative, but functioning, clock.  Mission: IKEA was a success and it isn't a bad place by far, but if you need to shop there just make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.  And bring a snack, possibly a sleeping bag.

GROCERIES

Going grocery shopping is akin to the adult version of a field trip; at least for us.  Every week we pick a day and a grocery store.  You see, in order to keep the relationship spicy, we like to go to a different grocery store every week and explore all the different types of the same thing they have everywhere else (sooo sexy, I know).  Sometimes we find a gem or two that we make a mental note of to go back when we need it.  Then for the duration of the next shopping trip we are trying to find that mental note and end up just getting lemon things.  A lemon thing (because you know I know you're sitting there going "what the F is a lemon thing?") is a magical dessert, with a proper name mind you, but we call it lemon thing because we're just big kids and I'm sure we will forever.  Anyway...

We have a love hate relationship with the grocery store.  Nothing says adventure like a slew of women glued to their phones zipping around isle corners like drunken Danika Patricks, then giving you the dirty look when they drill you with their shopping torpedo.  Or the zombified men walking around aimlessly staring at the hanging signs above the isle with their mouths gaped open trying to decide if kitty litter might be in the baking needs isle; all the while holding a basket in hand that's full of enough shit to fill a shopping cart.  I know this so well because it's exactly what I do when I have to run there without my girlfriend to find one thing...for an hour.  Anyway all those are the constants no matter where we go, but we really do love exploring new stores and finding cool shit to eat, and I recommend it to everyone.  It makes the monotonous task of buying groceries fun, it really does.

Deciding where to go based on sales, gimmiks, how far we feel like driving, what there is to do around it and whatever other factor make going shopping a legit adventure.  Go ahead, make fun, but when was the last time you heard of anyone getting excited to sidestep Danika and the walking dead in a super market.  Try it, you'll like it.

LAUNDRY

I despise doing laundry, always have.  In fact if I had the money I would wear my clothes until they were dirty, donate them, and buy more.  But I also hate clothes shopping so that really would just be cutting off my nose to spite my face.  Any who, laundry becomes an even more important part of life because (unless you're lucky enough to have a washer and dryer inside your home) you need to schedule that shit into your day.  No setting and forgetting when you have to babysit your clothes from the weirdos who are waiting to steal your underwear and add it to their undie shrine in their mothers basement.  Fortunately for us, the laundry mat is so close to our place that we can set and kinda forget; but that doesn't make it any less of a pain in the ass.

Luckily, for us, we do laundry the same way: stuff every fucking thing we've worn that week into a single washer, double up the soap and fabric softener, hold it shut until it locks, then come back and do the same thing for the dry cycle.  For those of you who separate whites from coloreds, towels from t-shirts, I can almost feel you cringing when you read that.  For those of you who just want the laundry over as soon as possible, I can hear you snickering in agreement.

There have been times when being busy has cost us laundry day and we were forced to wear every piece of clothing we owned until we got a free minute (we almost had to use two whole washers this one time...but we managed to get it all in one since my girlfriend is tiny so we turned her into a battering ram; teamwork makes the dream work people) and it screwed up our whole day because, unbeknownst to us, when you have half a ton of wet clothes in the dryer it takes quite the bit longer to dry.  The lesson here is do laundry strategically, maybe I'm biased because, as mentioned, I really, realllllly, fucking hate laundry for a reason I don't even know, but it does not help when you're getting ready for work and realize your work clothes are under the pile of shit you were supposed to wash "at some point" that weekend.

BEDTIME

Bedtime.  Cursed as a child, praised as a college student, absent as a real person, bedtime is a part of living together.  Since, as you may have picked up on, our couch is so comfy, its also the main place for us to chill when we're at home...chilling.  It's also my favorite place to pass the hell out other than my bed.  Now I'm a big guy (6'2'', 230 -240 lbs, sex symbol) and my girlfriend is not a big guy (5'0'', 100 lbs soaking wet, also sex symbol) so when I go comatose on the couch, getting my ass to bed is next to impossible without a forklift and full tank of gas.  She, on the other hand, could pass out on a cloud and float to bed with a slight breeze and a clear path.  As I've said many times, my lady is a saint, she puts up with me, even when I pass out on the couch and turn into dead weight that intermittently snores.  She wakes me up gently, or by cutting off my air supply, and then asks me if I want to go to bed.  It's almost always a yes but I don't actually get up all the time before passing back out.  On the nights I don't make it to off the couch she puts my phone and a water next to me on the table and retires and I usually wake up at a random time and slink to bed.  On the nights we do go to bed together we laugh and talk and make fun of each other until we pass out, which is why it bugs me so much when we don't end the day like that; it feels like a part of the day is missing.  Yes, people, when you live with someone who is the yin to your yang you look forward to ending the day in bed with them.  Looking forward to going to bed is giving my inner child heartburn, but when you're with the right person you really do.  Bedtime becomes more than just your reprieve from a day full of dumb asses and stupidity, it becomes the last fun thing you do for before you call it quits (or if you're us the first thing you do because we never sleep).

Well, folks, I think that about covers most of it for now.  There's plenty more but I gotta save some for future updates.  So far in our adventure together we haven't killed each other, the pets, or burned the building down; so there will be more to come for sure.  As for us, moving in together has definitely strengthened what we have even though we aren't the most professional adults yet we are working our way there.  Cheers to the future and all the insanity that comes with it. Hope this helps or at least entertained.  Time for me to check on the new dishrag we bought, it's small and blue (teal to be specific) and not fuzzy in the least, but why take the chance of our kitchen looking like a Smurf's armpit.

The Deathtrap: An Ode to My 2014 Jeep Cherokee

All my life I've always wanted a Jeep.  My brother had two, my father had two, we used them for work, and I've driven and loved them all.  In April of 2014 I finally decided to spring for a new Jeep, a Jeep that, after all these years, I could call my own.  I saved up for all the bells and whistles (GPS, huge sun roof, heated, leather seats, etc).  It set me back a pretty penny, but I thought to myself: "Hey, it's a Jeep.  It'll keep me safe and last forever!".  So I dropped the money, signed the papers, and drove off the lot in a brand new 2014 Jeep Cherokee Limited.  All was well, until about four months into my ownership.

As I sit here writing this today, about a year and a half since I bought it, I curse the day I ever laid eyes on my Jeep.  I look at it now like an evil ex-wife who stole all my money, my time, my energy, and left me high and dry with a half-ass sorry note and a bunch of lawyer bills.  Essentially, that is exactly whats happening.  Grab some popcorn and get ready to feel my pain.

In the beginning of April, 2014 I purchased a brand new Jeep Cherokee Limited with all the accoutrements I wanted.  I was enthralled, ecstatic, utterly elated.  After all these years and hard work I finally had enough to purchase my dream vehicle.  I drove it off the lot and proceeded to drive it everywhere; even taking it on a cross country road trip.  Even then I noticed the transmission was a little uneven, but I told myself it was the new fancy 9-speed engine and didn't think much about it.  Upon my return from the trip was when my first engine light came on, and I noticed the transmission was a little more than uneven as my car began to sputter a lot.  Knowing it was a new car I only took it to Jeep dealers to be worked on.  I took it in, was informed it was "a computer issue" and that they updated it, changed the oil, and all was well.  Which was true for about a week or two.

One night while driving home from work on the Taconic State Parkway at about ten at night my Jeep freaked the hell out.  I lost power steering, I lost control of the gas, the windshield wipers went on, the lights flickered, and my dashboard lit up like the fucking 4th of July, minus any and all enjoyment.  Luckily it was pretty empty at that time of night so I was able to coast off the side of the highway and managed to restart the Jeep and, very, very, carefully get it home.  The next morning I took it to a "certified Jeep dealer" and, lo and behold, it was another computer problem.  So they updated it, changed the oil, and sent me on my merry way, again. 

Two weeks later, and this has happened ever since, my car sputters violently as I drive and shuts off randomly, and to reiterate, WHILE DRIVING IT.  Ever since then I've been taking it to "certified Jeep technicians" to diagnose (between a recall every other week it seems) this problem every time it happens.  So I decided to go to the source and call Chrysler, who opened a case on my Jeep and told me to take it in for service and that they would pay, or rather reimburse me, for the tests and my rental car.  When I took it they found out my Jeep was 3 qts low on oil and is burning it at a rate of about 1qt every 800 miles.  Allow me to repeat.  My brand new, 4 cylinder, 2.4 L engine, Jeep with it's magical synthetic oil that I was told I must use, that I was also told I would not have to change until every 5,000 to 7,000 miles (I was at just about 5,000 at this time), was almost 3 ENTIRE QUARTS LOW ON OIL.  That's half of what should be in there, and there was not a single indication that the oil was that low....well other than my car turning off mid drive, or so they said.  So they "fixed" it once again and sent me on my way, once again, only to have the same thing happen within two weeks of me leaving the dealer, once a-fucking-gain.  This time, however, I was driving down a windy road, at night, in the rain.  The car turned off out of nowhere and I careened off the road, managed to avoid a tree, and landed in a ditch full of boulders.  I blew a tire and destroyed my under carriage.

The next day I called Chrysler, again, to voice my concern and was forced to drive the car for another two weeks until I could get it into yet another "certified Jeep dealer".  Thankfully nothing happened between the time I called and the time I brought it in, but I was driving as little as possible.  Same song and dance, we'll pay for this we'll pay for that, just send us the receipts.  For a week and a half they had my car, found the power steering column was bad (probably from flying off the road), there was ANOTHER recall that had to be addressed, and nothing about the oil.  Since my car is now out of warranty, the power steering column was going to run me $2,000 but they "good willed" it to me and only charged me a $150 deductible. OK, I say to myself, I'm going to get reimbursed for this anyway. I asked Chrysler if they could cover a car payment for me as well considering all the time the car has spent in the shop and all the work I missed with all the appointments and things I had to do for them to "solve" the issue, and they said "Sure, we'll see what we can do."  And since the oil issue (the main issue I brought it in) was somehow overlooked, I now have to take the car in every 500 miles so they can check the oil and see if they can actually, for real this time, fix the problem.  Chrysler's solution: Drive the car around a lot, even though its obviously unsafe, so we can test the oil consumption.   In my head all I hear is: "Drive the car around so hopefully you crash and kill yourself and since there's no indication in the computer as to why the car shuts off we will chalk it up to driver error when they scrape you off the road and close the case instead of doing the responsible and human thing and give you a car that wont kill you or anyone else on the road."

After all was said and done I had just short of $2,000 tied up in limbo.  When I went to close my case, with all my receipts and visits all well documented I was told that I would not be able to be reimbursed for everything in full.  Their reasoning: Any reimbursements that they offer are out of the goodness of their hearts since my deathtrap is out of warranty.  Mind you, once again, I have been bringing my Jeep into the "certified Jeep dealer" for this problem since there were 7,000 miles on it; so because of their lack of doing anything remotely fucking helpful, it has now become my fault that they couldn't find the problem within the warranty time.  Brilliant, Chrysler.  Oh and not to mention they comically suggested that they would extend my warranty for me in lieu of reimbursement.  Ha fucking ha; there's no way I'm taking adding insult to injury over money I was promised.

I wish I could say I was surprised, but from how things were handled up to this point, it was a less surprising feeling and more like a beyond pissed rage.  Now, I work in service, I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of an annoyed customer, whether its your fault or not.  So I always started my calls with "Listen, I know it's not you, but you're going to hear it.", and off I would go expressing my distaste for the situation, trying to keep it as cordial as possible.  Suppressing an F-bomb isn't easy for me on a normal day, especially when I'm that aggravated, but I did my best out of respect for the poor people on the other end of the line who are bound by the tyranny of Chrysler, as they all repeated the same lines from the script they're undoubtedly reading from.  I kept going from apologizing for my bluntness to telling them that their bosses are huge, money grubbing, assholes who would rather put their customers lives in danger than shell out some money for a car that could potentially kill one or several people, in the Holiday Season no less.

At the writing of this article I'm still forced to drive around Christine (Stephen King reference right there, if you missed it) and I have the Rosary on repeat on my MP3 as well as St. Christopher imagery adorning my car.  I guess the only positives that came out of this situation are I finally named my car and I found God and I pray he/she can guide me on my journey and keep Christine at bay.  All joking aside, Chrysler is literally making me drive a deathtrap just so they can be sure that there's something wrong with it.  I work in heating and air conditioning.  What they're doing is the equivalent of us telling a customer with a gas leak to run the boiler until something blows up, so then we'll know for sure that there is a problem.  That's moronic, irresponsible, and most importantly completely unsafe in every way.

Before I punch a hole in my computer screen I'm gonna wrap this up.  It's an ongoing ordeal and there will be a follow post when I get this resolved.  I will say this though: I am NOT going to be taken advantage of by a bunch of scumbags in business suits.  I will not lay down and eat this shit sandwich no matter how hard they try to brush me under the rug.  And God forbid I get hurt in this Jeep dubbed Christine, I will drive it straight into the office (even if it's on a flatbed in a ball of mangled metal) of the Chrysler people and shove both sets of keys up someones ass...sideways.

Happy Chrismakwanzukah

Chrismakwanzukah: A term used by retailers to celebrate all three holidays: Christmas, Kwanza, and Hanukkah; thereby including most of demographics they are selling to.

For the past week or so my Facebook has been overloaded with the usual holiday fanfare: People complaining about the stores putting up Holiday decorations on top of the Halloween decorations, people complaining about big business taking the Christ out of Christmas in various ways, people complaining about people complaining about big business taking the Christ out of Christmas in various ways, and some kittens.  Through all the bullshit though, I found a common trend and the big holiday culprit of this season: Starbucks.

Let's talk about this seasons villain.  Starbucks changed their cups red to combat the evil political incorrectness and coddle the sensitive American public.  Hooray for you Starbucks, you get a trophy, and by today's standards in society EVERYONE gets a trophy because everyone is special and doesn't know how to handle disappointment, because in the real world it's all candy and sunshine and no one is ever let down by anything...I'm going off topic but this has to do with it.  In all honesty I really don't give two shits about this and you shouldn't either, it has absolutely no effect on us if their cups are red, purple, or adorned with Menorahs and Crucifixes.  Rarely can I spare a car payment to drink coffee there anyway, but it amazes me how, on both sides of the argument, people are sooooo upset Starbucks is pulling the same stunt at least one or two big companies have been pulling every year for the past decade or two.  

Oh...the outrage.  Oh...the humanity.  Oh...the soap boxes.

People are calling for boycotts and petitions and crying, but why, what does it really do that changes your day.  I boycott them normally because I don't usually have fifty bucks laying around for a thimble full of burnt coffee with a pound of sugar in it.  The people who think its a good idea will show support by buying from them, the people who don't will stop buying from them, and then nothing will change, literally nothing; at least on the consumer end of things.  I did see a video of one guy who was telling the baristas that his name was Merry Christmas so they had to write it on the cup, which is hilarious.  Agree or disagree, any way to stick it to big business is okay in my books.

So why do people care so much?  I don't recall a Christmas where I collected coffee cups to decorate my house.  Nor have I ever suffered any mental anguish because there was a Menorah painted on the window as I sipped my Cup o' Joe.  And I know for damn sure seeing religious or semi religious symbolism on display anywhere never caused my or anyone's head to explode.  Of all the thought to be put into it there really is no clear reason why it's a big deal to either side other than because people like to bitch and moan into the fray with the other bitchers (yes I just made bitchers a word, I'm an Enlgish major, I have the power) and moaners; the chorus of complainers gets louder every year.  It really wouldn't be that big of a deal if they didn't do it for the reason they did and then announce it like they're some leader of the "progressive" movement.  Wake the hell up people (coffee pun right there), we are all part of the only "progressive" movement in history that actually works in reverse.  Censorship, coddling, appeasement, and melodrama don't make for progression, it makes for bickering and lets the people pulling the strings take advantage of all the stupidity.  Appeasement didn't work during WWII and it will work just about as well today.

If you lose sleep over coffee cups then who wins? Not you.  If you get your way and have the symbols back on/removed from the cups, who wins?  Still not you.  Do you honestly think the CEO's of Starbucks give a flying fuck about any of this?  I'm sure they wrestle with their conscience as they lay out cash for their third private jet.  It's all free advertising, that's it.  Hell, just me saying their name as much as I did in this piece will probably boost their revenue in some way.  That's what everyone should be angry at, that they're taking advantage of all the bullshit and winning while the world squabbles.  That is Starbucks Chrismakwanzukah gift to everyone, causing grief and profiting from it.  Not because they can, but because we let them.  Don't you think it's time to stop being led around like fools, getting all up in arms about what some corporation decorates their cups with?  If you're answer is a firm no then stop reading.  But if its a yes, or even a maybe, how about this: Why not support local coffee shops?  Yeah, this isn't a revolutionary idea, but really, why not? Why not take your money into town and find the coffee shop with the hand painted murals by the local school kids, the one's that support local music, the one's where the money you spend stays within the community?  I would bet anything their coffee is ten times better than the mass produced stuff in any Starbucks.  Just this passed weekend the lady and I found out that the best coffee ever is located in town at a local shop and you can be damn sure we're gonna be going back there..a lot.  And instead of announcing their coffee cups outerwear for the holiday season, they will be announcing all the new cool flavors of coffee and food that they will be making available, because THAT'S how a business should be run, not by causing a frenzy with all the sheeple and collecting off of it.  C'mon people STAAHHHHPPP.

It's the holiday season, it's supposed to be happy, about giving, about being with those you love and hold dear.  Here we are fighting over "hot" items, pummeling each other to death, literally, for a discount TV, robbing the youth of all the possible joy they can experience during the season because we all of the sudden decided that other traditions are dangerous, like a holiday Red Scare.  Think about it; what message are we sending kids by barring these things from them.  What do you say? How do you explain to an innocent kid why things they're used to seeing and experiencing are no longer available to them?  Because a bunch of assholes decided they didn't like it anymore so everyone suffers?  That would be the honest answer, but you cant say that to a kid and expect them to understand, they haven't been exposed to the real world yet; why ruin it?  It's not like they have representatives of each religion handing out propaganda, trying to convert everyone who looks their way.  I think people just need something to cry about.

The area I grew up in was a big mix of Catholic and Jewish families.  Every year in elementary school we would ALL make Christmas decorations, spin the dreidel, learn about each others traditions and it was so much fun, especially at that young of an age.  No one was offended, no one felt imposed on, no one had a bad time, but then one day the Scouts weren't allowed to sell Christmas Wreaths at the school anymore and there were no more dreidel games.  Just like that it stopped and it was probably around the same time this PC age started picking up speed.  I would bet money that after all the fun we had in school was done and then everyone went home and told their parents, that was when the problems started; because like racism, intolerance is taught (YES IT'S INTOLERANCE), and it starts at home.  And yes, barring Santa from the mall, denying children the fun of playing Hanukkah games, trying to ignore the fact that other people don't all do the same thing you do, that's intolerance; and a big part of the backwards progressive age we're in right now.  The funniest part is the same people trying to put up a wall around anything and everything are the same assholes who are the loudest voices for "equality", and ALL of them are hypocrites.

As for the definition in the beginning, about the meaning of "Chrismakwanzukah".  Did you catch the running theme in all of this, other than idiocy?  It's money (*GASP*).  I know, keep seated, it's pretty unexpected.  The same retailers and businesses that are "progressing" are using the combination of names of the holidays they are "offended" by to label all the insanity and bullshit to make money off of the same people they're protecting from the "evils" of religious imagery.  Basically, they're laughing in our faces..and...WE...LET...THEM.  Hell, we pretty much encourage it.  Every time you go on social media and post something in support or against their schemes you are supporting them, every time you buy from them, you're telling them it's okay for them to manipulate you; every..damn...time.  Sure, it's hard to completely avoid big business since the small business and mom and pop shops are going under faster every day because of them, but lets start somewhere.  It won't happen overnight, but it can happen.

Not to be morbid, but think of slavery through the ages.  A big reason why slavery lasted as long as it did is because those in control kept those under control in the dark.  If they only knew the power THEY had, how much they outnumbered those with "power", they could have risen up and overthrown with little to no issue.  Now here we are, fully aware of the situation and fully able to do something, and we resort to social media to whine, post quotes and pictures and sit back like we accomplished something, all the while we only make the problem worse.  Wait a minute...Holy shit how did I end up here, I'm talking about slavery and it all started with drinking coffee from a red cup.  Before this turns into something else all together, I want to wrap it up on a high note.

Everything herein is valid.  Agree or disagree, the facts stand (facts used to be important when arguing, look up that definition if you don't believe me).  People, it's the holiday season.  It's Hanukkah, followed by Christmas, followed by Kwanzaa, and the only thing those all have in common is that they're about love, family, giving, and not being a miserable jerk for a few days out of your year.  Even if you celebrate none of them, it's still not a reason not be part of the joy that was, that can be again, what the holiday season is all about.  Stop fighting, stop complaining, stop murdering each other for electronics and toys, go to the core of the season and appreciate it for what it is, because no matter how hard anyone tries they will never rob the world of the goodness that comes from these days and the times surrounding them.  Let those in "power" mess around with designs and policing the fragile public if they feel the need to, it's not going to stop any time soon, so don't be part of it.  Don't even be part of the fight against it, just be part of the happy, of the good times, the laughing, smiling, the togetherness.  Relish in the joy of seeing someones face light up when you give them an unexpected gift or wish them a Happy Holiday, or Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.  One act of kindness this holiday season will go a lot further than any amount of internet preaching you can do, and those are the differences that matter.  Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world."  It's a simple and powerful statement, so start today. Don't be bitter, don't be resentful, start the change inside yourself and throw it out into the world tenfold.  Kiss under a mistletoe, donate to a charity, shovel your neighbors driveway without asking, do something nice despite what you see around you, BE THE CHANGE, you'll love it, I promise you.

After all that's been said, I beg you one last time to consider buying locally, whether its coffee or a candle or a box of cookies from a Scout troop, it will make a difference.  Put down your pitchforks and torches and don't be bothered by the petty nonsense.  Instead of leaving your family and friends on Thanksgiving to shop and wait in line, focus on the things that are actually important in the month to come; the very things you're leaving for a sale. I guess what I'm really asking is for everyone to take off the blinders and think about what matters, what really matters.  So to everyone reading this and everyone in general, I bid you all a Happy Holiday Season, a very Merry Christmas, a wonderfully Happy Hanukkah, and a warm and Happy Kwanzaa, and remember even the smallest change could be the start to something bigger.

Love Fool

Everyone who writes has to touch on the topic of love at least once, if not several dozen times. Whether it's in your diary/journal or in some sort of public forum, it's one of the main driving forces for a lot of people; it's a mix of pleasure and pain that almost all can relate to, even though that tumultuous sensation can never really be captured with words.  I know I've tried it in the past, to tackle the topic of love, and, lo and behold, the question of what exactly it is has popped into my head once again.

Firstly, I'm a hopeless romantic, always have been.  Few (very few) have been privy to it, but it's always been a part of who I am.  As far back as I can remember I devoured books (not the cheesy, sleazy kind but the fantasy adventure kind) saturated with all sorts of exotic romantic aspects; became lost in movie upon movie; even got a little too attached to lot of video game stories; each were rich with their own unique characters and romances. Based off all that, I designed my dream girl in my head, the one who would fulfill the fantasy.  I always forgot though, that it was never instant in the books, movies, and games, it always took work.  It took a fear, a vulnerability, a chance that one or both characters needed to take for it to become something, for it to last.  You didn't just walk into a dungeon and walk out with the princess.  We, or maybe it's just I, forget that in real life.  It's easy to get discouraged when things get hard, when your feelings are on the line, when you keep thinking there's so much else out there that you'll find that person who'll fit the fantasy without any trouble, that there's someone out there it'll "just work" with.  Yet at the same time, when nothing is at risk, when it's easy, when nothing has the potential to rip you out of your comfort zone and break you down, to make you look yourself in the mirror and reevaluate yourself, your life, your everything, is it really worth it?

To be in real, unabashed love is to bet it all on a chance and walk away a millionaire, so to speak.  It's the greatest feeling in the world; but then there's the out of comfort love, the love you hold onto after it's been loooooong gone or after your significant other did something reprehensible like cheat on, or steal from, you, yet you let them stick around; it's like throwing down a buck and walking away with two; it doesn't really do that much for you, does it?  The risk is gone because you already know they can and will hurt you, therefore the payoff is going to be minimal at best, and just enough to get by, and that's not fair to anyone.

The best way I've ever heard love described was recently, by one of my favorite writers Jamie Varon.  In her article "How To Keep Loving Someone" she said that "Love is being acutely aware of how quickly someone can ruin you."  Let me just say that that line was like a sucker punch to the gut. In one second my entire perfect world view of what love is was changed.

It wasn't a bad change, and I don't mean to be dramatic, but the change was significant.  It made so much sense. It made me realize the integral flaw in what my fantasy was: there lacked a looming possibility of it not working flawlessly, it was too perfect. There was no fear of letting go of any inhibition for the sake of someone else before yourself, it was a magic thing that just happened.  I thought of it as an instant connection that never faded, that never needed to be tweaked and analyzed.  The reality of love was nowhere near that, that was only a fantasy, and nothing else.  For the first time I thought about it more realistically.  I resolved that maybe love is the syncing of two people's most internal selves with each other where both are willing to risk that the other person could, at any moment, choose to back out. That maybe you needed to focus on yourself as much as the both of you to make it truly work.  That maybe to be one with another, you had to be one with yourself.  The funny thing is, I've heard it all before and paid it no mind, until I realized it was affecting my own relationships and well being.

I had a bad habit of putting my life on hold when getting involved with someone I ended up deeply caring about, trying to fit into my own derived theory of love.  I would go out of my way and bend over backwards to the point where I wasn't myself anymore, and a resentment would begin to build.  It happened again recently, but with this one, she called me out on it.  She's a smart one, this one; a keeper if you will.  Long story short we took some time to work on things, which is when I came to this conclusion.  In the time we took, I regained myself.  Not so much the bachelor lifestyle I was living prior to her, but the doing things for myself life style that I needed to keep sane, that I sacrificed because I thought it would make her life easier not worrying about me and the things I was involving myself in (don't get me wrong, there are still plenty of things I don't do because they just aren't conducive to being in a trusting relationship, but I'm better for not doing them anyway). I started staying home all the time, which is NOT good for me, but that's another story, and not doing things I would normally do.  That doesn't mean hooking up with other women, but eliminating any possibility to even be put in such a position, which in turn, eliminated quite a bit, but I okay'd it in my head because that's what love is, right?  Listen, I'm a big boy, I've never cheated and never would no matter what the temptation, but in my head I just thought that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, all the while realizing, but discounting, that that shot my personal life to shit, and left me going stir crazy, only getting out momentarily at times too few and far between.  I felt myself dying on the inside and subsequently damaging what we had, which is far from my fantasy, so how the hell did it fit?  Sure there were other things on my end as well as hers, but this was my biggest issue, the thing I needed to figure out in order to get my head screwed on straight, to be me again.  And I'm happy to say I'm back, and we're rebuilding with the right foot forward this time.

The "finding of oneself" is a sappy, melodramatic, nauseating thing and I always hated hearing it, but I guess I did it; I had to.  At the chance of losing something amazing, I really buckled down, stopped being an asshole, and thought about things without my rose colored glasses.  After that was accomplished, though, I still kept thinking about what love is since it almost seemed brand new; like I was getting a second chance and I didn't want to fuck it up. The first thing that clicked was the reason why I held on so hard to my fantasy; because it worked before...in high school.  You remember high school, the first love, the puppy dog phase, where you had your kids names picked out ten minutes after the first kiss.  Also, that was the reason why that relationship ultimately failed: because the fantasy stuck.  There was little to no evolution of the relationship, of the love, it was quite the opposite, it broke things down.  It wasn't terrible, but over time it wasn't what it used to be, it was just comfort because we were both scared to be on our own after almost four years, and although the relationship didn't change, we, as people, definitely did. So I spent the next five years loveless, not searching, just playing, never giving it much thought, until recently, and here I sit.

Being older, wiser (debatable) it's plain as day now; how love undoubtedly changes with time, maturity, circumstance. How love is different from one to the next.  That I love the girl I'm with in the same capacity as always, but differently than others, with a different intensity, because she's different and so am I since my last foray into the amour.  All that being said, I really cant answer the question of what love is, because there is no one answer.  And since there really isn't a textbook definition of love, how can you really put it into words?

GIVE ME FOOTBALL OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!

I am a New York Football Giants Fan.

As I write this I'm shaking from all the booze and greasy shit food I consumed yesterday slowly working its way out of my system, as I have most Mondays since football season started.

For those of you who understand, and are reading this in the same state I'm writing it, I know you feel my pain and appreciate the struggle.  For those of you who do not, who spent yesterday in Church or being productive human beings, I want to explain Sunday Funday to you, through the eyes of a die hard football fan.

The first day of football season is equivalent to Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the birth of your first born child, what have you, to us fans.  It's a glorious, magical day when you don your favorite jersey and resume rituals that have laid dormant since that bitter, sad, last day of football in January (or February depending on how far your team made it...remember I'm a Giants fan, I'm used to the January pity party).  It's a game of inches, a game of pride, a game of screaming at the TV like a fucking lunatic for both the good and the bad.  For every person or group of people its different.  So here's what Sunday Funday is for myself and my football family, as we call ourselves.

For at least 16 weeks out of every year we try and take it easy on Saturday nights in order to fully enjoy our Sundays.  For years we've all been gathering at the same place, South Side Inn in our town (although recently renamed The Mahopac Inn, it's still the same home away from home on Sundays and will always be South Side to us, deal with it). One or two of us will get there early and procure our section, move together a handful of tables, and wait patiently for the family to trickle in.  Our family is a diverse group, made up of men and women, fans from all over the league, and every gathering is worth it's weight in liquid gold.  The bar knows us, they know what to expect, they know we will be the loudest, most disruptive, and most fun group of assholes in jerseys at the bar on Sunday.  About halfway into the first quarter almost everyone is there and the insanity begins.

From the first kickoff to the end of the last game the bar air is filled with a chorus of four letter words and screaming, high fives and clapping, the clinking of glasses, slamming of tables, an occasional chair gets tossed (Rachel, I'm looking at you on this one), friendly and not so friendly shit talking, and the blaring commentary of the announcers; it's the unmistakable mating call of the football fan.  Every game we go hard, we milk every minute for as much as we can.  We average a pitcher a quarter, if the Giants are doing well, we'll take a shot or two, if they are doing shitty, a shot or two, if the game is over, a shot or two, because reasons, a shot or two.  The wing and shrimp cocktail specials soak up the alcohol along with pretzels, burgers, the newly added, and fucking delicious, buffalo calamari. Keep your gourmet food and your organic bullshit, on Sunday Funday it's all about the loading up on as many calories and fried food as we can handle before heading home.

Our family is a good one, and a welcoming one.  Even if your an awful Cowboys fan, we will allow you sit with us, or maybe the better word is tolerate.  Also, I finally found a girlfriend who can hang and get into the psychosis that is our family's gathering, which she got to see in full swing yesterday. Instead of running out screaming, she joined in on the fuckery, it warmed my blue blooded little heart.  That being said there have been a plethora of significant others from everyone who make an appearance once and only once, some people just cant handle the awesomeness, and that's their loss.  I guess I can't really blame them, like I said it does get pretty crazy more often than not and it takes a special type of person to appreciate it. For example: the year we beat the 49er's and got into the Superbowl (where we beat the empire of evil, The Patriots, for the SECOND time) I jumped up, fists in the air in celebration and punched a running ceiling fan, spraying the bar with pieces of wood and dust that has probably been there since they opened.  Thankfully everyone was too happy to care and thought it was hilarious.  It hurt like a bitch but fuck it, that was an EPIC win, the victory shots numbed pain.  They completely removed it after that, one less fan moving around the smells of beer breath and wings, oh well;  RIP ceiling fan.

It's not just about football though, and what a lot of anti-sports fans fail to see is that its a reason to get together with a bunch of fun and awesome people for a few hours each week and enjoy each others company.  We call ourselves a family because deep down it really feels that way.  I'm talking years, people, years we've gathered to watch these games.  Sure some have come and gone, I was even absent for almost an entire season because other obligations; and I felt guilty every Sunday, like I missed my weekly visit to see my illegitimate child to let him know I'm here for him as I slipped him a twenty so he liked me better than his mom.  But seriously, it's part of who I am, it gives me something to look forward to every week, something to talk about, a place to go, a reason to get together with friends, and win or lose, we always have a blast.  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  South Side really is my home away from home on Sundays.  The only game we watch elsewhere is the Superbowl, where we all gather at my buddy Greg's house and watch the game and go completely fucking ape shit.  There's catering, beer, liquor and huge TV, and a goddamn awesome time.  We literally move the bar to his house for just that one game, a big part of our family tradition. A perfect way to wrap up the football season.  But, even though we move the party for a night, somehow we always end up stopping by South Side at the end of the game.  Whether half of us remember it or not we do it; for one last drink in our family's favorite retreat, one last hoorah, before we close the curtains on another season, and anxiously anticipate September, to start the fuckery all over again.

OK I think I'm going to cry just thinking about it...

GO GIANTS!!!

Hoisting the Black Flag: An Internal Struggle

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by American journalist H.L. Mencken, and it goes as follows:

“Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.” 

I love this quote for a million reasons.  Its visceral, true, and completely fucking bad ass, just to name three.  The line always resonated with me ever since I first heard it, and right now it speaks volumes about the state of mind I'm currently in.  Allow me to explain.  The following is an excerpt from a post I never finished about two weeks ago:

"After all my years on this planet I learned one thing: Hell is not a place, but a state of mind; and in those years I've done many a stretch in that...place of mind, let's call it.  Everyone has a horror story or has had some miserable, shitty thing descend upon them like a rabid bear at least once in their lives, unless they're lucky, but has anyone ever really been that lucky?  In my case, I do it to myself more often than not, the bear is me, myself and I.  My mind is my bane, my cross to bear.  It's gotten me through about just as much trouble as its caused me.  Since as far back as I remember I've been an over analyzer, succumbed to the occasional panic attack, been crippled by anxiety to the point where my body shakes uncontrollably, and I've ridden the depression roller coaster more times than I care to admit. It's during these times I tend lose myself and take a trip off the deep end in an attempt to distract my mind from whatever Hell it's in.  Bottom line: I do some stupid, self destructive shit.  I hurt myself, I hurt those around me, every so often I do some damage that cant be undone.  Even though I fight tooth and nail to not go down that path, rarely do I win when I'm overwhelmed.  It takes a mini rock bottom to wake my ass up before I get my head screwed back on straight and start to be a human again.  I'm only writing about this because today I'm on the precipice of one those such times; I'm starting the decent to rock bottom and picking up speed.

Normally I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky guy, and if I'm not I'm damn good at faking it; I just don't have the energy anymore, I feel like I'm in a hole and this is an attempt to write my way out of it and hopefully get some feedback from the community."

Well, after I put a period to that sentence I literally closed my laptop, and proceeded to find rock bottom, it came pretty quickly.  The weekend that followed was so full of self medicating and reckless behavior I honestly think my life flashed before my eyes at least twice.  It was thrilling, if I'm being honest, and completely fucking stupid, but that's the only way that I found in life to cope effectively, it numbs every feeling I hate.  I thrive on danger and stupidity, the rush of adrenaline that spikes the brain when you know something potentially terrible could happen, but you do it anyway.  It's more addictive than any drug, and coupled with any drug, it's the ultimate escape from reality, but this isn't an advertisement.  In no way do I condone my actions, nor encourage them to others, this is my demon and I will wrestle it alone like I always have.

That weekend I spent more money than I should have on things that I shouldn't have, I went places I don't like being, saw people I don't like being around.  I also saw a lot of good people I haven't seen in a while as well and got some perspective on my situation, before reverting back to the insanity.  The situation is never indicative of the "therapy", its always the same no matter what, but since that weekend ended, and the fog had lifted, I took a long look in the mirror, at the bruises on my face, and asked my self what the fuck, Steve.  I'm 28 and still acting like a child having a temper tantrum.  So I snapped out of it, opened up my laptop and started writing.  I wrote so goddamn much about so many things my fingers hurt.  I had no direction, I was going off raw emotion and random thoughts that popped into my head.  I even dragged my ass, laptop in hand, to some little obscure coffee house I always wanted to visit (I left my beret and skinny jeans home though, I didn't go that hardcore) and drank enough coffee to kill a moose and wrote some more.  But seriously, the writing helped, and I mean it reallllllly helped.

Since then, I've kept the self-destruction to a minimum, I can't drop it all together, just like any drug I crave that rush, especially when those pangs of anxiety, depression, and over thinking hit.  But I've regained control of myself.  I think of all the friends and family (quite a few, unfortunately) I've lost to the types of stupid, random shit I was doing, whether they made it a habit or a one time thing went wrong, and I don't want to be part of that statistic.  So here I sit, coming clean on the internet, like if I post it here I'm signing a contract with witnesses to stop fucking up, to stop taking things that are out of my control out on myself and on those who care for me.  To act like a fucking adult, like a man.  To not make excuses for my actions because I'm having a pity party, boo-fucking-hoo Steve, grow up.

As I sit here, making the final adjustments to screw my head on straight, I pretty much resolved my situation and I'm looking forward to writing more and the future in general.  I always loved writing and never did it enough, and now I'm seeing the potential to make some sort of living off it.  I also made peace with a lot of things and am keeping a positive outlook on life as a whole.  It's not worth it to wallow, even though I'll probably never get over the anxiety, depression, and over thinking, I also know that I won't inadvertently kill myself in the process of trying to.  Which brings us back to the quote.  Mr. Mencken, my friend, I am going to raise that flag, make some changes, and do something.  What they are and what that is is still to be seen, but I know it will have to do with writing.

In closing I just want to say thank you all for bearing witness to this statement and coming along for the ride and I hope to make the ride a lot more exciting in the times to come (although not the excitement I've been hinting at in this piece).  Also I apologize if the writing in here is a bit disjointed, it's how I'm feeling at the moment and I just wanted to get it out there while it was fresh.  I would love to hear any thoughts on this or any ways that you have dealt with any of these types of feelings and issues, and would love to answer any questions I'm an open book, honestly.  And I promise there will be many more wise-ass articles to come, so until then, it's time to get out there and (metaphorically) slit some throats.